How To Travel on a Plane
Breakfast.
It’s been a while, huh? No trips for about 15 months, or even longer if you didn’t travel at all in 2020. What a crazy thing. I used to travel so much - mostly for work, but also a good amount of personal travel. I must say that I did enjoy taking the time off and saving money. Except I didn’t save any money at all because travel funds went towards pajama sets.
I went on a plane last week for the first time, and it was like riding a bike. By that I mean my thighs were very sore and I fell down a lot. It all comes back to you, of course, but there might be some things you forgot to think about. Never fear, Patty’s here with a quick little reminder on how to airplane.
Bring a sweatshirt. It gets chilly on that plane! I was going to California, so I didn't feel like I needed any coat or sweater, but then I remembered the plane’s weather is made for penguins.
Wear a mask. You must wear one the whole flight! So bring a comfy one.
Don’t bring an Italian sub. Pickles and onions and hots?!?! They’re delicious, but they smell VERY strong.
BRING HEADPHONES WITH A REGULAR JACK. My Airpods are Bluetooth and I had regular Apple headphones that only work for an Apple phone. I forgot regular headphones so my only option was to buy them, or not watch JetBlue entertainment. Or creepily watch whatever your neighbor’s watching and imagine what they’re saying.
Instead, download ALL THE THINGS on your phone, iPad, computer, etc. I did this instead and thankfully downloaded some podcasts and a book. On the way back, I watched a few documentaries. Oh Erika Jayne, what have you done?
Bring a sanitizer wipe. Wipe down that tray table and armrests! The plane does it too, but isn’t it nice to see it done yourself now that you’re afraid of germs?
Remember that quiet farts are still farts. Take some Gas X, 11B.
Pack a reusable water bottle. Fill it up at the airport! Water is like $5 at the airport. I’m too stubborn to pay for something I get for free!!!!
Stop talking to yourself. It’s been a long time inside, so don’t forget that everyone can hear you when you talk to yourself. I know you (or your pets) were your only friends and conversational partners for so long but it’s time to realize you’re amongst other humans now.
Act like you’ve been on a plane before, even if you haven’t. On the way to L.A., the kids next to me had never been to California so they kept screaming, “CALI, BABY!” and singing, “California looooveeee….” It was really obnoxious.
Don’t bring weed. It may be legal in your state, but not federally. Therefore, it is not allowed on planes. (Or at least fucking hide it well.)
Order a Ginger Ale. There’s something so refreshing about a bubbly plastic cup full of Canada Dry.