On Practicing Confidence
Me in my best “Elizabeth Holmes covered in dog hair” look.
When I wrote about leadership lessons last week, I shared that I believed imposter syndrome is a choice. While I do believe that, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that it takes a whole fucking lot to ignore that voice in your head that tells you you’re not good enough.
Shame, guilt, and embarrassment are buried deep within my bones. It is often unhelpful to hear “just choose to be confident!” or “speak up!” because I know how hard that can be and there may be more consequences for certain people and certain situations. Even though I am not afraid of public speaking, I am afraid of saying something stupid, wrong, or offensive. I am afraid of being yelled at. I am afraid of confrontation. I am afraid of speaking too much and someone rolling their eyes at me, or someone feeling trampled on by me.
So how does one choose to be more confident, or courageous, despite being so afraid of all the things that could go wrong? Even though I say, “I choose not to let imposter syndrome get to me!” What I’m really saying is, “80% of the time I don’t worry about whether I’m fit for the role or not, but 20% of the time I am waiting to be discovered for the fraud that I am and thrown out Uncle Phil style.”
(This is my second Fresh Prince of Bel-Air reference in two weeks and I’m curious as to why because I haven’t watched the show in years.)
The choice, I believe, is more in the decision to practice confidence as much as possible and not let insecurities affect decision-making. I suffer from depression and anxiety, a delightful combination that makes me both frequently sad and afraid. When I do things that scare me, and they go horribly wrong, my instinct is to crawl onto my couch and hide under blankets. Sometimes, I do just that. This past fall, I interviewed for a company that I initially had high hopes for. After a few good interviews, I was asked to do a mock presentation/consultation. It didn’t go well and I was given a whole lot of critical feedback right there on the call.
So, sure, I did the courageous thing and didn’t let my inner imposter’s voice win but when it didn’t go well, I retreated and cried and binge ate an entire SHARE SIZE BAG of peanut m&m’s. I got over it, but it wasn’t as easy to shake off as it might have been for others. I felt immense shame about my capabilities and it took a minute to bounce back and remember that I made a mistake, I am not a mistake. (Thanks Brené Brown.)
For me, the important part is bouncing back. It doesn’t have to be a pretty process, it just has to happen. Every time I do scary things, it gets easier and easier to recover. When it goes well, I feel great! When it doesn’t… Well, I'll get over it eventually. Our brain is built to support us in those cases. Through continuous exposure, our brain learns and reminds us that we’ve been there before and we’ll get through it again.
So, when I say “BE COURAGEOUS AND SPEAK UP, THEN YOU’LL BE CONFIDENT” I’m acknowledging that it’s really fucking hard, and requires a lot of psyching up to do something scary. I never WANT to do something scary. I want to stay in the safe zone. It’s just that I know that I have to in order to be successful, and sometimes I have to because I know it will help other people as well.
I also think it’s OK if you don’t sometimes. It often feels like we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be noticed, or get opportunities. As a woman, I feel like I have to work a little harder. As a person of color, or a female person of color, it can seem like endless work just to achieve the same opportunities or success as others. Personally, for me, I still want to try. I want to work on being more courageous in my own career and life and expanding beyond my safe space.
I guess sometimes we HAVE to do things we don’t WANT to do because we’re stupid ADULTS. Not always, but sometimes. Particularly in places where they pay us to be successful. Because of capitalism, or something.