Taking Up Space
Recently I was driving down a winding road on a rainy day listening to a podcast about a family massacre when a driver coming towards me cut into my lane to go around a car blocking their way. I jammed on my breaks and angrily threw my hands up in a “WTF?” motion while they flipped me off. I became enraged.
The rule is you wait in your own lane until oncoming traffic clears, and THEN you use the other lane to go around the car. I understand I have grown up in New England, a notorious place for aggressive drivers, but let me have this. Why do I have to be the one to accommodate them? Why do I have to stop when I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY? Why am I seemingly always the one in that position?
It feels like I am always accommodating others. I make myself small so they can thrive while I maintain as little space as possible. I aim to be as courteous and welcoming as possible so that I can create a psychologically safe environment for EVERYONE, AT ALL TIMES. I don’t do it for anything in return, the universe doesn’t hand out gold stars after all, but I’m starting to feel pretty dumb.
It doesn’t matter if I’m walking through my neighborhood, or hosting a dinner party, I am always concerned about ~tHe viBeZ~ and how people are feeling. If someone crosses the road when I’m walking towards them, I wonder what I did. When someone leaves my apartment early during a gathering, I wonder what it was that made them leave. Was the wine too cheap? Was the pizza I ordered unsatisfactory? Did I not put enough egg in the nog? (Just kidding, I’d never serve that disgusting beverage.)
In general, I find myself being hesitant, and quiet, and yielding to others so I don’t stand out or burden anyone or make a fuss. I always say yes, even when I really don’t want to. I will go with the flow, even if I would prefer doing something else. I don’t like confrontation, or speaking out in opposition. Even if you were to tell me that you really loved a show that I hated, I would let you have that. I wouldn’t chime in to tell you that I thought it was garbage to avoid making you feel bad for sharing with me.
Speaking of garbage, every Thursday, after the trash/recycling trucks come by, I will take in all the bins for my neighbors. I will carry about 4-6 bins up a set of stairs and into the back of our house. Nobody has ever asked me to do this - yet I do it every week. I want to be neighborly! The one week I wasn’t home, I noticed that nobody took mine up with theirs. It wasn’t a big deal, I was happy to only carry my bins! Yet, it made me realize that I need to seriously change my outlook.
Being neighborly, or letting people go on the road isn’t my concern. However, it’s the intention behind it all. I think I take all the garbage bins up for everyone because I worry that everyone knows I work from home. I do it to avoid them (total strangers, by the way) thinking poorly of me. That’s not a good enough reason. I won’t suggest a place to meet for dinner because I don’t want to be rejected for my dumb idea. I won’t confront someone because I’m afraid they’ll yell at me or get mad at me and never speak to me again. I’m realizing I have a lot of trauma from past experiences throughout my life and I just want to keep the peace.
It’s frustrating to always walk on eggshells around other people, when nobody ever feels the need to walk on eggshells around me. I like it that way! Nobody should ever feel uncomfortable, or hesitant, or afraid around me. Why can’t I realize that nobody else is asking me to do that around them either?
It’s not healthy for me to let everyone around me have all the space, and carve out just a tiny corner for myself. It’s not a fair way for me to live. I am not responsible for everyone’s happiness and well-being. If I have been hurt, I should be able to tell someone without fear of being yelled at. And when they do ultimately yell at me, or reject my pain, or respond poorly - I do not need to apologize for causing someone unrest. (Fun fact: I’ve been sexually assaulted twice and apologized to my friends for ruining the evening… by getting assaulted.)
The point is that I have put a tremendous burden on myself by feeling the need to appease everyone around me, including strangers. I am doing myself a disservice by taking up as little space as possible. I deserve to speak up, say no, do whatever I want to do and have free agency over my life.
A friend of mine recently moved out of state and said one reason was because “people in Massachusetts are assholes.” It made me laugh, but I’m happy that I don’t see the world that way. Truthfully, I think assholes reside in every state - but I choose to focus on the people who aren’t that way. I’m proud that I can be one of the Massachusetts residents who isn’t an asshole. (Well, sometimes.)
I will continue to be as friendly as I can be and aware of the people around me. On the flip side, I’m going to stop saying yes and doing things I don’t want to do just to appease someone else, even if they’re in my family. I have no obligation to satisfy the needs of anybody but myself. I have the right to set up boundaries and take up all the space.
EXCEPT ON THE ROAD, because there are rules for a reason!!!!!!!