5 Self-Help Books That…Help
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As previously mentioned, I work in learning and development. Most of my job is the facilitation of leadership programs that help good leaders become GREAT LEADERS! However, what defines a great leader is different for everyone. We like to provide autonomy and let individuals decide what their leadership “brand” is.
For me, personal growth books (I hate the term “self-help”) like these have really helped me (damnit) narrow down my own values so I can decide what kind of person I want to be. Ultimately, that makes a big impact on how I lead. If I value trust in a personal relationship, then I’m going to lead from a place of trust as well.
Here is a list of FIVE books that I often recommend to participants in my programs. I have read, and benefited, from every single one of them. Don’t let the stigma of the self-help genre, or the weirdness of self-help influencers, deter you from CREATING A LIFE YOU DESERVE! (Sorry, that does not help my case.)
Big Magic: How to Live a Creative Life, and Let Go Of Your Fear - Elizabeth Gilbert
Best for: creatives who suffer from imposter syndrome
Biggest learning: You are entitled to a creative life, even if you think you’re not good enough or don’t deserve one. Also, creative living does not mean being established, famous, published, etc. It means designing your own life from scratch and living it however you want.
Example: I put myself to the test this past Christmas when I needed some cheer and did an outfit challenge every day in December until the 25th. I was really afraid to post the first time, so I was sort of quiet about it. Why was I afraid, you ask?
People would laugh at me
People would unfollow me
People would forward the story to someone else and make fun of me, and potentially someone would accidentally respond with something mean to me rather than their friend (odd fear, I know)
Someone would call me ugly/vain/fat/stupid/unattractive/not funny/etc.You get the point. The truth is that I did lose followers! But I also got a LOT of great feedback, connected with people I hadn’t talked to in so long and had SO MUCH FUN doing it. Every day, I was more inspired. I started planning ahead and taking outfit photos ahead of time. I have more ideas for next year!
Ultimately, this book taught me that I am not in control of how my work lands. It should not, cannot, hold me back from making the work. My sole job is to create, if I want to, and put it out there and let the universe handle the rest. It’s not my responsibility to please everyone, or even anyone, but myself.
The Power of Ritual: Turning Everyday Activities Into Soulful Practices - Casper ter Kuile
Best for: people who are stuck in a rut and like having something to look forward toBiggest learning: That traditions, and rituals, create deeper connections with ourselves and the world around us. We can turn the ordinary, mundane parts of life into full-on rituals. And that makes every day FEEL MORE LIKE CHRISTMAS! Or, at least more exciting.
Example: This past year has been isolating and weird. I really took the idea of using ritual as a way to connect with myself to heart. (Because who the hell else am I going to connect with while living alone in a pandemic?!?) I began taking small, joyless parts of my days and turning them into daily rituals that I could look forward to.
Say, for instance, my transition between work time and… living room time. I shut my computer down completely, lower the shade next to my desk and push in my chair. I take the dog to the park while listening to a book or podcast, and ignore my phone completely for one hour while chatting with my dog park friends and watching our dogs play. Then, I go home and cook dinner while listening to my book/podcast and zone out. It’s about 1.5-2 hours of time, and yet it makes a huge difference in my mood.
Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones - James Clear
Best for: anyone who needs to get their shit together
Biggest learning: The habit loop/habit stacking - cue, craving, response, reward
Example: It’s like that scene in The Office when Jim would ring a bell, reach for an Altoid and offer one to Dwight. After a while, Jim rang the bell and then didn’t offer an Altoid, but Dwight still held his hand out and was craving an Altoid.
To fold in better habits, create the habit loop. I used to have a post-it on my mirror to remind me of all the things I needed to do before I got ready. It hardly ever worked.
After reading this book, I learned how to stack new habits on top of old habits and create a habit loop. So now my everyday routine is:
Work out → Shower → Apply face oil/lotion → Brush teeth → Take medicines → Apply deodorant/perfumes → Apply makeup (lol, remember makeup?)
In that order, every single day. Eventually, it became second nature. Now when I take a shower mid-day (if I work out), I accidentally start brushing my teeth out of habit. Good thing I put the medicine in a little later so I don’t accidentally pop another Cymbalta!
Quit Like A Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol - Holly Whitaker
Best for: people trying to get sober, or honestly just women... in general.
Biggest learning: Everything doesn’t have to be so goddamn shameful and hard. All or nothing approaches don’t work for everybody and it doesn’t need to be so strict. You can choose to do something your own way, even if it’s against everyone else’s rules.
Example: Well, I don’t have one. I’m still drinking! I was hesitant to read this, because I was afraid of seeing myself reflected. I was surprised when I DID see myself reflected, but it didn’t make me feel any shame or guilt at all. In fact, I felt seen.
Even though this book is mostly about the author’s journey with sobriety, there is a lot to learn in this book about being a woman in a world with programs built for men (such as AA.) While I do enjoy drinking, I don’t like that drinking has become a thing. It’s on t-shirts, yoga mats, BABY ONESIES. Wine has become a cultural phenomenon for women and it’s sort of gross.
This book has tangible advice and practical tips for life, as well as sobriety. I particularly liked that there was a whole chapter devoted to ways to spend your time at night when you’re not drinking. That’s the hardest thing for me.
The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment - Eckhart Tolle
Best for: anyone who has an ego, therefore EVERYONE
Biggest learning: Life is just a series of present moments, so make the present moment YOUR SOLE FOCUS.
Example: This is the most “out there” offering on the list, but all I can say is that it was/is the most freeing book I’ve ever read. It sounds like bullshit, and a lot of Eckhart Tolle’s take on the universe sounds like complete bullshit. That is until you start to practice it.
It helped me come to terms with grief, anger issues, heartbreak, relationships, etc. by realizing that all pain is a result of resistance to the truth. While going through a bout of heartbreak, I felt sad for a future that was no longer there. But the future was never there. I was grieving a loss that didn’t exist. The past didn’t exist anymore, the future doesn’t exist yet, all we have is right now. The truth of right now is that this relationship isn’t working. That’s all. I can choose to use my time living in the pain, or accept the truth and do what I need for myself right now in this present moment. But every moment spent grieving the past or the future is a moment wasted.
I know, it sounds like bullshit but with practice, it actually works. It is the answer to everything, and the most helpful self-help tool on the market - aside from a good therapist and potentially an antidepressant (or two, if you take a second one out of habit!)
There are so many other books out there that I’d recommend, and probably will do a more focused list another time. I am such a nerd for this stuff and really love talking endlessly about self-improvement and personal growth. I suppose that’s why it’s my job.
So, please reach out:
If you’re looking for a specific focus area that you’d like to improve upon (I have lots more recommendations)
If you’d like to connect about any of the books listed above
If you want to recommend a book you love
If you’d like to recommend Untamed, then I have bad news. I didn’t like it! It just didn’t connect with me, but I appreciate all that it has done for everyone else. PLEASE DON’T AT ME I LOVE YOU.