LIVE FREE OR DIET!

The first time I felt ashamed of my body was during a CCD (Confraternity Christian Doctrine) class. There was an opportunity to be a “little angel” (someone who dressed up in white who went around collecting cash) at church service that weekend, and I raised my hand to volunteer. A classmate said, “In her case, it’d be a big angel.” I was probably ten years old and remained afraid of that classmate until… well, whatever day you’re reading this.

Also, my mom was the teacher. I’m sure she didn’t hear him, but I felt like that was important information. Imagine bullying someone IN FRONT OF THEIR MOTHER… and getting away with it? Yup… that hurts.

Around that time, a kid from my neighborhood referred to me as a “beached whale” when I was sitting on the deck of my neighbor’s pool.

I remember both moments, and others just like them, so vividly that the pain is still there. (I had to text my group chat for support when I wrote this because I was #triggered.) I ache for my childhood self who felt so ashamed about who she was that early in life. It was around that time (middle school) that I stopped eating lunch at school because I didn’t want to draw attention to myself.

By the time I got home, the only place I felt safe, I’d binge eat everything in sight while I watched TRL. I had an affinity for flavor-blasted goldfish, M&M ice cream sandwiches, and Ssips Iced Tea. I’d be so hungry from starving myself all day, and sad from diminishing myself, that I’d just eat and watch TV in my own little world.  

My father worked at a banquet hall and often came home late after partaking in some post-work beverages. As an Irish Catholic Bostonian man, he was not very good at emotions and he would often show his love for us with gifts. Sometimes, those gifts were Wendy’s cheeseburgers in the middle of the night. He’d wake us up to eat them, and if we didn’t want them – he’d get upset. (Irish Catholic Bostonian + alcohol = temper.) 

So, my unfortunate relationship with food was completely based on shame. Eating was comforting, but I had to hide it from others. Midnight burgers prevented anger and guilt. Food was bad because it was connected to my weight and my weight was shameful. 

All of this focus on my body held me back from freely living my life. I didn’t enjoy the beach day where all my friends wore bathing suits and I wore a FULL GAP SWEATSUIT SET. Or the time my best friend invited my crush to go swimming with us, and I sat on the deck with my feet in the water. Or the tears I shed when I put my dress on for the junior prom, then not going the next year to save myself the embarrassment. Or the time I quit dance school after thirteen years because I couldn’t put myself through wearing spandex in front of people anymore. 

And to be honest, my adult years haven’t been much better. I have always let my shame and body dysmorphia rule my life. Even when I’d lose weight, I would still get upset with myself for making mistakes. Ultimately, I’d give up because clearly, I was such a fuck up that dieting would never work for me and I didn’t deserve to be thin or happy. 

I finally learned, only LAST YEAR, that I have an eating disorder. For years, I’ve harped on depression and anxiety and all the ways it has affected me. I always thought my relationship with food was just a side-effect, not a whole ordeal of its own. It wasn’t until I got control of my depression/anxiety that I realized, “Wait, this other thing is still happening.” 

It’s something that I’m currently still processing (aka I’m in denial and fucking up left and right), and it’s likely that I’ll be working on this my whole life. There is no satisfying before and after reveal. I’m just a person going through some shit, standing in front of other people who might also be going through some shit.

Aside from professional help, I thought I’d share some things I’m doing to deal, or heal, or just feel like I have one ounce of control over my life. Yay.

Challenging my mindset to build new habits. For work, I help leaders tap into their growth mindset to do hard things. I’m insufferable! I’ve decided to take my own advice and have been working on challenging my fixed mindset to change the habits and behaviors where I have been on auto-pilot. For instance, I’ve always poured a glass of wine with dinner. Then, I’d drink more wine after dinner. More often than not, the bottle would be gone and I didn’t even remember what happened between which real housewives. I started eating dinner without wine and then feeling out the rest of the night. I’d read, I’d make some tea, I’d give myself a pedicure, or I’d write. I just added in as many different options as possible so that I didn’t default to wine in the same spot on my couch every single night. It honestly has felt liberating. 

Create the right environment. It’s not easy to binge eat snacks when the snacks aren’t there. I (almost) never buy any unhealthy snacks unless I’m having people over. Having healthy options within reach means I’ll go for those instead and let’s face it, It’s just not as satisfying to binge eat apples. Unless they’re inside of a pie. 

The hard part here is that I live alone. When I drink, my anxiety flares. When my anxiety flares, my instinct to binge eat or make bad decisions also flares. Since I’m alone and accountable to nobody but myself, I can make any decision I want. I can order GrubHub, or drive to McDonald’s or go get more wine at the store. In fairness to me, I haven’t done that in quite a while! I’m proud of that. But, that’s not to say the feeling is never there. I’m trying. We’re trying. Everything is fine.

Cook every meal. I have become quite the cook in the last year! I actually crave my own food. Every now and then, mostly when I’m sick of doing dishes or having a particularly bad day, I’ll want to order. Mostly, I just don’t. I have also learned how to cook things I’d like to order and severely reduce the unhealthy aspects. I’ve been using a lot of Half-Baked Harvest recipes and this easy pizza dough.

Create a community. I told my friends what was going on, and two of them even joined my “diet” and lifestyle change efforts. For others, it might be a specific program, or a group meeting, or an online forum. Regardless, having a community is so helpful. You have people who care about your success and only speak to you from a place of support. You also feel seen and understood. Being around others that are going through something similar, or have in the past, really has reduced the shame and guilt associated with it all. 

Feel my feelings. Again, Irish Catholic Bostonian here. Emotions are not my thing. That being said, there have been some days when things are hard. There will be tears, and fights, and anger. My wise former therapist once told me to feel the feelings and see them through, but don’t act on them right away. If I want to order pizza, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I just need to ask myself WHY I want to order pizza. Is it because of a bad day? Why did I have a bad day? What’s the root of the problem, and will the pizza fix it? A lot of times, simply waiting and riding through my emotions makes the impulse go away. And other times I order the damn pizza. 

Stop harassing myself. It’s okay to mess up. It’s okay to give in to temptation. It’s okay to be human. I don’t deserve to treat myself like garbage because I made a human error. I am not a bad person just because I lost control. I would never, ever speak to any of my friends/family the way that I talk to myself. It’s not okay to abuse myself for something I would forgive so easily in others. I must stop!

Celebrate the small wins. Instead of focusing on all the “bad”, I try to look for the good. What are the positive things to celebrate? What am I grateful for? When I look at the big picture, maybe Friday was a wash but I pretty much consistently made healthy decisions every other day. Maybe I only had a single glass of wine when I wanted a single bottle! 

My ultimate goal is freedom. I’d like to not think of this stuff constantly. I don’t want my MANY MENTAL HEALTH DISORDERS to run my entire life. I’d like to think about other things. I’m not quite there yet. I’m just doing my best to show up every day, make healthy decisions, treat myself with kindness and keep moving forward.

You got this. I’ve got this. We’ve got this!