Business As Usual
Last week, Judith and I were talking about the stages of the pandemic we were in. She was sharing that she’s finally feeling settled, after a tumultuous year and a half of working, homeschooling, cohabitating, etc. and I realized just then that for the first time in 18 months, I was feeling unsettled.
I’m thankful that there weren’t any major pandemic-related issues in my family, and I was able to keep my job. I thrived working from home, and I really loved the freedom I had found. During the remote working situation, I realized that a slower pace without commuting, having a consistent workout routine, cooking meals at home (for LUNCH!), being with my pets all day, and taking walks during breaks from work was really helpful for my mental health. I never knew what balance felt like, but now that I did… I cannot go back to my previously unbalanced life.
I just feel that I cannot return to business as usual.
If you had asked me in early 2020 if I could ever do my job remotely, I’d have told you that it wasn’t possible. I spent literal days making FLIP CHARTS and believed that they made my training AT LEAST 30% more impactful. We forewent PowerPoint presentations in favor of GIANT LAMINATED POSTERS that took an hour to hang and were extremely heavy to carry around. IT WAS ALL VERY IMPORTANT FOR A FACILITATOR. IT WAS PART OF OUR PROCESS.
Then, in an instant, we had no other option but to log into Zoom and do it all virtually. Within a month, it was easy to replicate the in-person experience. We didn’t need to travel or lug around heavy posters and easels. It made so much more sense. Sure, there are people with their cameras off doing work on the side, but for the most part, I have found the conversations and connections to be more profound than ever.
With the time that we have spent working remotely, we’ve been forced to innovate. However, what really happened is that we scaled back to the basics. We didn’t need the glitz and glamour (and by that I mean flip charts and tiny breakfast croissants) to get people engaged in a workshop. All we needed was good content.
The tricky part is that I work for a major corporation, and they call the shots. If they’d prefer people return to the office, then that’s their decision. So I’m stuck in a strange place right now where my future is a little uncertain. I’m equal parts terrified and excited. I feel like something great is on the horizon, but I’m not sure what it looks like yet.
Deciding how I want my life to feel is one of the better lessons I’ve learned throughout the past few years. I’m less enthralled by titles and salaries (much to my bank account’s chagrin) and way more excited by opportunities that make me feel fulfilled. I don’t want to go through the motions for a paycheck. I think my biggest fear, aside from fire escapes and air conditioners falling out of windows, is GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS. I need to feel motivated and engaged, and in order to feel that, my work has to have meaning. Ugh, so high-maintenance.
Luckily, the job that I have now is super meaningful. It’s taught me that you can actually build the life you want. If you want a flexible schedule, or autonomy, or travel, or whatever it is - you can have that. You kind of just have to let go of everything you’ve been taught was right and wrong. You sometimes have to let go of what you thought you wanted, what you have worked hard for, and your comfort zone in general.
Feeling uncertain is NOT SEXY. I have wasted a lot of time trying to maintain my own equilibrium. I’ve wanted to feel settled, while also resenting the burden of commitment. I factor way too many people/things into my decisions when I doubt they’d consider me when making their own life decisions. I’m feeling ready to let it all go and pursue ~*~ mY DrEaMs ~*~
I guess what you could say is that I'm staring at the blank page before me, opening up the dirty window, and letting the sun illuminate the words that I cannot find. I’m reaching for something in the distance, so close I could almost taste it… should I release my inhibitions, and feel the rain on my skin?