How To Meet Someone Without Changing Your Life
I have to be honest, I am not very interested in traditional dating right now and that’s put a real damper on my “dating life.” I’m 35, and I’m probably supposed to be married with kids by now. Or at least living it up and dating and having fun. I am in my own way. I’m very happy with my situation!
Here’s the thing… I’m also very tired. The thought of going out on a SCHOOL NIGHT (usually after spending an entire day facilitating a workshop on camera) and making small talk sounds like a real nightmare. Can’t we all just start smack dab in the middle of relationships? Like instead of the honeymoon phase, I want the overly comfortable, on-the-verge of growing apart phase.
I hate dating apps because I don’t look good on paper. I don’t like to answer questions sincerely, because I take nothing seriously in life. I’m much better in person. I’m a slow burn, like a HomeGoods candle. After a while, my scent gets into your nostrils and you’re like, “Oh okay, I kind of like this.” Plus, I don’t want any more messages from men holding fish!!!!
I am not a person who “goes out” on the town, either. I did that in my twenties, and even then I went to the same bars every single night so it felt like the equivalent of my living room. Actually, one of the bars was actually called The Living Room.
If I didn’t change my life at all, which is my preference, here is where I would meet a partner:
TARGET
Specifically the Everett or Woburn Target. He’d find me in the seasonal décor aisle, looking for something I definitely don’t need and listening to a podcast about small-town murder. I’d walk towards the candles, smell a couple and scrunch up my face in disgust. I’d check out the teenage clothing section and briefly consider whether or not my mid-thirties body could pull off a flimsy plaid overall dress. I’d walk over to the graphic tees and count the number of songs I know by The Rolling Stones to determine if it’s acceptable that I wear their shirt.
He’d see me leave before he could even talk to me with nothing in my cart but special food for my cat’s urinary tract infection.
WEGMANS
Just try to catch me here, buddy! I have a strict 15-20 minute routine. He’d see me walk in and immediately hit the produce section. Zucchini, tomatoes, onions, garlic, spinach - all go in my cart in a flash of light! I head left for my family-sized pack of chicken for one. Maybe I’ll get a rotisserie chicken to pull apart with my hands later. Then it’s straight to the canned goods where he’d ask, “Is that six cans of black beans?” And I’d say “YES! And they’re .50 each, bitch!”
I think he’d ultimately decide not to approach me when he finds me staring at a bag of barbeque chips crying for 20 minutes because I can’t take them home with me.
THE DOG PARK
It’s in Everett, and it’s not even a real dog park. I go there and I walk around until one of Billie’s friends joins the party. We convene in the middle of a field that is hardly ever mowed, and watch our dogs run, play, and attack each other aggressively while we laugh. The sounds the dogs make can be scary, even though they’re just playing, and nobody ever wants to approach.
SPOT POND / THE FELLS
I walk the same path for about 45 minutes a few times a week with my dog. I’m usually listening to an audiobook, and pretending that I’m in Pride and Prejudice. I might respond to someone in an English accent, and say things like, “Henceforth” and “You forget yourself!”
VIRTUAL BARRE CLASS
I keep my camera off most of the time because I do my own cardio in the beginning, and sometimes my dog attacks me when I’m in cardio mode. A lot of times, I grab my phone and text while I’m working on my glutes.
Also, if someone messaged me privately during a virtual workout class, I’d be creeped out. So let’s not even explore this one.
THE STREETS OF MY NEIGHBORHOOD
I have to walk my dog! A lot of times I’m wearing a matching pajama set or a Reptar t-shirt. My hair is up, my face is washed and I’m fighting with my dog because she is stubborn and won’t walk very far, and refuses to pee. Sometimes I have to bounce a ball to trick her into moving.
Oh, a lot of the time I’m also half in the bag, at least if it’s after 8:00 pm. If it’s before 7:00 am, I haven’t had coffee yet and you best step back.
I DON’T KNOW Y’ALL. Feels like I’m on track for marriage by the end of the year!!!