The Happy Truth.

“Do you think it’s even possible to be happy?” A friend of mine recently asked after a particularly rough stretch in his life.

My answer was an annoying, emphatic, “YES!” 

In the past, I’d have said no. Yet somehow, during the grim holiday season of 2020, I believed without a shadow of a doubt that happiness was a real, true thing. 

And for the small price of $459.99, I can show you! 

I kid, but I do sense that HAPPINESS seems almost as outlandish as quitting your job for a MLM scheme or joining an uber-religious cult. I believe that happiness is achievable, but I don’t think it looks anything like what we’ve been led to believe. It is not jolting out of bed in the morning, being dressed by birds, singing songs, smiling at everyone we see, having no cares in the world, being in love, feeling complete, and loving every aspect of life. There’s a lot more crankiness, swear words, and not-fitting-into-your-jeans involved than one would expect. 

There are also more mental health problems. In my life, I have been diagnosed with all the illnesses and acronyms: depression, anxiety, ACOA, ADHD, and even a hint of PTSD. Somehow, with all those obstacles in my brain, I have found the energy to seek happiness. And that’s exactly what it takes: intentional seeking. This is why happiness and positivity get a bad reputation these days and can be considered toxic. 

I totally get it. When you’re in the depth of your worst struggles, it is hurtful and alienating to be told that it’s YOUR responsibility to find happiness and that ONCE AGAIN, you’re the sole cause of your problems. Especially when positivity is EVERYWHERE these days. You can’t walk through an aisle at Target without seeing something shouting “BE HAPPY!!!!” or “GIRL BOSS!!!” at you. That’s fine and all, but I AM TIRED AND I DON’T WANT TO #HUSTLE. 

Positivity has become a thing and it can be kind of gross. I actually don’t think true happiness is positive. Nor is it full of success, fame, glory, money, love, etc. Happiness for me means acceptance, and realizing that *gestures wildly* ALL OF THIS... is all I’ve got. I’m a human being in this world struggling with my mental health, not quite accepting of my body, habitually exhibiting destructive behaviors and that is okay. 

Everything shifted into gear for me when I realized that my life was only going to “get better” when I stopped waiting for my life circumstances to change. When I learned to manage my own expectations and understood that making more money, getting married, buying a home, getting published, and all the things I want for myself won’t inherently make my life any better. 

I read this article recently in The Atlantic, that said: 

“When it comes to happiness and unhappiness, people often confuse rumination with self-awareness. Psychologists define the former as “recursive self-focused thinking.” It is to dwell on something about yourself, without recourse to new knowledge...

In contrast, self-awareness—to be attentive to our own thinking processes—leads to new knowledge and breakthroughs. One recent study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences concluded that self-awareness allows us to recognize emotional cues and distractions and to redirect our minds in productive ways. In essence, studying your own mind and pondering ways to improve your happiness takes inchoate anxieties and mental meandering and transforms them into real plans for life improvement.”

It felt like fireworks went off when I read that. That’s what happened to me, even though I didn’t realize it. Over the course of time, with the help of my lovely Cymbalta and therapy, I realized that I was ruminating on the bad rather than learning from the bad. I was playing a victim within my life, and not trying to improve myself based on lessons learned. 

For so many years, I looked back on my time working full-time as a performer and thought of all the things that held me down. Misogyny! Poor leadership! The system! I was so mad all the time and took it so personally. I wouldn’t even step foot in the theater without being triggered or rolling my eyes at every little thing. Then, I realized that I played a role in my own experience. I’m not saying my experience didn’t happen or play a part, but maybe there were some things I could have done differently, or would do differently if I had the chance. 

The biggest realization for me was that the past was a different time and I didn’t have the tools or resources to process then. Instead of being upset that things didn’t go better or feel any remorse for how it could have been, I have just accepted it. It’s all part of the growth. 

I’ve learned that happiness does not mean sunny skies and perfect weather. Happiness is more like New England. You’re going to get some 75-degree Christmas mornings and snow on your birthday in May. Being “happy” means being at peace with the truth and reality of your life. I’m sure one day it will be better than I ever could have imagined, and one day it will definitely be a whole lot worse. My goal is to NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT THOSE DAYS, and live right here where I am. 

I don’t share this to encourage you to get off your ass and do it, too. I am just sharing my experience with happiness and if you join my cult, you should know our eucharist is Reese’s peanut butter cups. 

Also, I’ve seen God and she is A BEAR.