How To Make It Appear That You Have Your Shit Together
I’m hosting a gathering this weekend, and it’ll be the first time I have a group of people in my new home. And by “group”, I mean a solid 3-4 people, and by “home”, I mean the apartment that I rent. So, knowing that, you must know that I don’t have my shit together.
However, it’s important that I make it look like I do. Even though my friends know the real me, and I aim to be as authentic as possible, there’s nothing wrong with a little pretending.
Here is a little list of ways to make yourself APPEAR better than you are:
A disco ball. When the sun hits it at golden hour, it’s magic.
Diffuse essential oils. My fireplace might be fake, but the woodsy scent of a freshly built fire is real.
Get prepared foods and reheat them. I don’t know if you have a Wegman’s in your area, but my go-to’s are arancini, pulled pork, or mac and cheese. Once, I even went to Popeye’s and got a bucket of chicken, then put it all on a baking tray to warm in the oven and someone thought I had baked an entire pan of perfectly fried chicken.
I mix the prepared foods that I purchased with stuff I prepare on my own. And sometimes I just order pizza, so there’s that.
Put champagne in various buckets of ice. Place them in a few corners and guests can refill at their convenience. Throw one in the bathroom, for a more extravagant pee.
Oh and the buckets don’t need to be fancy - I use an ice bucket that came with a bar set I got for Christmas, a trash can that has never held trash, and a few buckets I got from the dollar store.
Vacuum. It’s the least you could do. I have three vacuums! One Roomba, one handheld, and one regular upright one. Use them all at once and have a dance party.
FOCUS ON THE BATHROOM. That’s where people spend THE MOST time by themselves, inspecting every nook and cranny. (Oh, just me?) Bleach the toilet and sink, then get a magic eraser and go around the floorboards and close the shower curtain so nobody can see the soap scum that you definitely don’t have. Take stuff off the counter, and hide your Xanax.
Fresh flowers. I get them weekly at Trader Joe’s and put them in a cute smiley face vase.
Lighting. I’ve decided that overhead lights can go fuck themselves. They do nobody any favors and create zero cozy environments. I have this dimmable lightbulb for a standing lamp, and fairy lights over my french doors. I have a fake fireplace, and a ton of these flameless candles scattered about. I have these taper candles in my dining room, and these on wall sconces. I am a lighting queen!!!!
Then just get really drunk until you pass out on your couch and spill champagne all over it. Just to remind your guests WHO YOU TRULY ARE AND WHERE YOU CAME FROM. You just can’t take the girl out of Everett.