A Day Trip with Depression
Lately I’ve found myself losing my cool at the smallest things, triggered by almost anything, and starting to show my frustration to the people around me. I’ve never been great at hiding my face and emotions, yet I always feel awful later in the day. It’s not fair to withhold my thoughts, but passive-aggressively show them on my face so people can create their own stories. It doesn’t create a nice environment for the people around me.
So, I got the hell out of dodge. (I just looked up the meaning of that to make sure it wasn’t racist. It’s not! It’s referring to Dodge City, Kansas in the 19th century… so, actually, never mind - it’s probably racist.)
I took a few days off work, dropped my dog off at my parents’ house, and drove an hour north up to my favorite city, Portsmouth, New Hampshire.
My plan was to have a cocktail, sit at a bar (!!) for some dinner and wine, read a book, listen to other people’s conversations/judge them, and then sleep in a bed without two pets. I ended up at the bar of a cool restaurant with a great bartender. She made me a bunch of off-menu cocktails while I ate truffle popcorn and fish and chips. I left there, got some ice cream, and went back to my hotel.
I woke up around 3:30-4:00 am to a tremendous panic attack. I hopped in the shower for maybe 30 minutes to calm down while I cried. Is there anything better than a shower cry? Yes, a lot of things. However, if you’re going to have a nice cry I recommend doing it in a shower. I thought, “What am I doing here?” and I didn’t just mean Portsmouth, I meant my existence.
What am I fucking doing? What am I accomplishing here? What do I want? Why am I spending my money on selfish one-night getaways when I have debt to pay off? Why do I spend so much money in general? Why did I have sugary cocktails when I know they make me sick? Why am I the way that I am? Why do I have expectations for people when they constantly let me down? Why do I make excuses for people? Why do I make excuses for myself?
I finally left the shower, put on the cozy hotel bathrobe, and lied in bed with a cold, damp washcloth on my head. I practiced deep breathing and tried to fall back asleep, until giving up around 5:00 am. I got up, got dressed, and watched the sun come up on the Piscataqua while birds chirped around me.
I felt like I was inside the Calm app. I turned to see the sun reflecting off an old seaside building while the waves slowly crashed against the rocks. I took a video for Instagram (obviously) and I actually started to feel better. Excuse the extremely corny metaphor, but even though the dark clouds started to cover the sun’s light, I knew the sun was still there shining behind them. ;)
I left the dock feeling brand new, and walked around the empty town. I remembered a tip I read from Justina Blakeney (my FAVORITE instagram follow, designer, and creator of Jungalow) in a recent Girls Night In newsletter, to “rainbow forage” - look for colors of the rainbow while you walk. So I did just that! I took pictures of the numerous red brick buildings and cobblestone roads, the orange and yellow hue cast on the buildings as the sun rose, a green lock on the love bridge, the blue Georgian homes and painted doorways, the indigo and violet flowers potted all around the beautiful grounds of the many historic homes.
It was so fun and completely distracting. I walked around for 2-3 hours until I saw a man pet his dog and thought, “I WANT TO BE WITH MY DOG!” So I went back to my hotel, took a tear-less shower, listened to show tunes the whole ride home and reunited with my Billie who is always happy to see me. I took her back to my home and opened the door to the little jingle bell of a cat running to greet me. I felt relaxed, happy, and full.
Living with depression means there are always going to be highs and lows. Everything could look perfectly fine from the outside, and could actually be going well, but once those clouds roll in it’s all over. Sometimes there’s no explanation, reasoning, or justification. You think you’re going through a weird phase in your boring, sad life and a little time away would make it right.
This time, it took solo time away to feel even WORSE when I was on my own. It helped me realize that it’s home, and the life I have already created, where I actually feel most comfortable, happy and loved. Not just by pets, friends, and family members… but even just alone at home with myself. I’m a catch!
I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to get away ON MY OWN. I could take paid time off, I could leave my animals in the care of my family, and I don’t have kids or major obligations. There are things in my life to clean up, there always will be, but it’s good to know that running away from everything only strengthened my connection to what I already have. All I have to do is control the controllables (like my face when I feel things.)
Perspective, y’all. All it took was a good, ol’ fashioned shower cry and watching the day begin again for an old seaside town that has faltered and thrived throughout its 400-year history. Just like me! (I plan on living for 400 years.)
Oh, and I just did a quick Google search of Portsmouth hoping to sprinkle in some fun facts and yup, super racist history. God damnit!