How To Make Things Awkward
What’s more awkward than a photoshoot in a butt-themed bathroom?!?!
While getting my nails done last week, I realized that I was accidentally holding the nail technician’s hand. Like, in a weird way. While she was filing my thumbnail, I was clasping her hand with my remaining four fingers. I slowly released each finger and hoped that I didn’t make her feel uncomfortable.
This was after I burst out laughing at one point early in the appointment because I was listening to the Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend podcast. (It was the Shaq episode.)
Unfortunately, this is my go-to spot and I can’t avoid going back even though I’m deeply embarrassed. Also, this isn’t exactly an uncommon issue with me. I have the delightful tendency of making things awkward all the damn time. I even got kicked out of church once because I couldn’t stop laughing at the fart noises the fan was making during the moment of silence. To this day, I can’t get through a moment of silence without laughing hysterically.
If you’re looking to stir things up and start making life awkward, then here is my guide!
Apologize for things you didn’t do. I don’t mean like when you accidentally bump into someone, I mean like when you walk into a public garage and see a man peeing in full-view, apologize to HIM. Are you the one who lives in that building? Of course! Does he live there? No! Is he the one doing something inappropriate and slightly illegal here? Yes, but apologize anyway!
Have full, logical conversations with your dog. Maybe you’re facilitating a workshop over Zoom and your dog comes over and wants to play. What do you do? Maybe you ignore them or quietly rush them away. Why don’t you try talking to them like they’re human instead? Ask, “What do you want?” and answer, “No, you already had one!” to their silence. Then say, “Oh, you want to go to the park? It’s not time yet!” Just make sure your microphone is not on mute, and bonus points if you’re the host of the meeting.
Go for BIG TALK in an elevator. When you enter an elevator (or any short-lived social situation) with someone you kind of know, avoid talking about mundane topics like weather, work, traffic, or light conversation. Try folding in big topics like, say, your recent gallstone diagnosis or the impact your new diet is having on your digestive system. Hey, why don’t you tell everyone you slept great last night because you took an edible? Even better if your senior leaders are on the call!
Make comments during live, and virtual, workouts. Fitness instructors love it when you comment loudly on their routines. During a live class, when the instructor guides you through a pose called “half-pigeon”, make sure you wait until everyone is relaxed into their stretch before lifting up your head and saying, “I’ve never seen a pigeon do this.” Or, if you’re taking virtual classes now, get up from whatever you’re doing to comment on the song choice. If you had your first makeout session while listening to Sisqo, the whole class needs to know!
Respond to compliments with disdain and detail. If someone says you’re having a good hair day, run your hands through it and say, “Thanks, I washed it.” If someone compliments your outfit, let them know that you’re feeling gross today. If someone compliments your leather jacket (seen above), tell them that it’s fake leather, bought at Topshop, and is always on sale, and then send them the link. (Currently $49!)