On Showing Up For Yourself.
Recently I took something called a “Whole Person Strengths Assessment” for work. My top 5 strengths were:
Authenticity
Empowerment
Relationship Building
Recognition
Encouraging Participation
I was like, “YES! I won!!” I hit the jackpot! I’m in a people-focused career and all of my strengths lie in building trust and relationships and highlighting others!During the coaching session, I was asked, “How could these strengths hinder you?”
I took a look at the rest of my report and realized that my “lesser” strengths were Rest, Nutrition, Self-Compassion, Goal Attainment, and Focus. Ohhhh, okay. So I’m really good at other people but I’m not so good at… me. You mean that if I spend all of my time helping others and ignoring myself it’s going to have a negative impact and cause burnout? SO WEIRD.
Anyways, I immediately started seeing a therapist again. Despite the podcast I listened to on neuroscience and happiness, or the book I read on growth mindset, or the Googling I’ve done about ways to combat depression - for some reason, I had to seek a professional’s help AGAIN. I know, I’m shocked, too!
While I am pretty self-reflective and aware of my feelings, I don’t know how to cope with them appropriately. All day long, I make “healthy'' decisions. I wake up very early to get a head start on the day (and also, animals). I drink black coffee, stay away from my devices, write a gratitude list, make intentions for the day, work out, work, take breaks, eat healthy meals, get outside, and then… ????
Around 5:00pm, I’m at a loss. What do I do with myself? I start to lose the narrative and the point of why I’m being so healthy. So, I choose to drink wine. I start with a glass, and then another. And then I drink at least a bottle, if not more (usually more) and I wake up the next day angry with myself. It’s not even because I’m hungover, it’s because I’m ashamed and I feel guilty. But why? What is the point?
I am not asking WHAT IS THE POINT OF FEELING GUILTY? Because there is no reason. I’m not asking what the point is for being ashamed, because there is also NONE! Well, that’s not true. I’m ashamed because I coped inappropriately and drank a ton of calories that will ultimately cause my “healthy” habits to go to waste and I’ll gain weight and probably also destroy my neurological functioning as well, BUT MOSTLY THE WEIGHT GAIN.
But anyway, what is THE POINT OF EVERYTHING?!
I’m probably having an existential crisis. Therapist helped remind me that the world just went through a global pandemic which brought a lot of change and made many of us feel vulnerable. There was the actual illness, the unknown, the political turmoil, the job loss, inflation, etc. Even though I appreciated some of those changes (e.g. working remotely), it also made it very easy for me to stay in my bubble. Now my own personal bubble is bursting.
I’m struggling with the answer to the question, why show up for myself? Why should I make healthy choices? Why should I take care of myself? It might seem obvious to you. “To live a long healthy life!” or “To feel comfortable in my day to day!” What it really comes down to for me, I think, is not liking myself very much. Self-hatred is deeply ingrained in me. It has been 30 years of shame and believing that I’m a problem rather than having problems, or I’m a mistake rather than making mistakes.
One day, I asked friends on Instagram why they take care of themselves and make “healthy” choices. Many people responded that they wanted to be the best person they could be for their family, others said they wanted to feel mentally and physically strong, and my favorite response was, “Because hurt people hurt people, and I don’t want to do that.” Yes!
I guess I’m deciding to start focusing on myself because I want to like myself. I don’t want to wake up ashamed to be who I am. I don’t want to feel burdened by the opinions of other people. I no longer want to assume that I’m a problem and everyone knows it. I want to feel confident that I am strong and capable and deserve a seat at the table. I want to say “Thank you!” when people say kind things to me, or about me, rather than awkwardly talk them out of it.
When I say things like this, I feel silly. Last week, I shared with Therapist that instead of going directly to work after my train got to New York, I went to the hotel first to shower. I felt sweaty and tired and needed to reset. Typically, I wouldn’t do that because I’d feel pressure (from myself) to go right to work because people were expecting me. I was so excited to tell Therapist that I put myself first in that moment and then said, “Ugh, I feel so stupid saying that.”
She stopped me and asked, “Why?”
“Because it feels like something nobody else would celebrate. It’s so dumb.”
“Says who? You chose to feel better and show up better, despite the guilt you might feel, what’s stupid about that?”
So, that is what I’m working on. I’m working on being nicer to myself, no matter how silly it feels. I’m working on showing up for myself and choosing myself and challenging myself and making healthier decisions for myself. Last night, for instance, I did have chicken wings for dinner… but I made them in the AIR FRYER and I didn’t accompany them with wine.
GO FIGHT WIN!