The Woman I’m Fighting With
Scheana does not have this CROWN of grays and baby hairs.
Her name is Scheana.
She has great bone structure, big beautiful eyes, and long brown hair. She frequently wears this long brown hair in a voluminous ponytail at the top of her head. Her hair cascades down her back as she walks and she definitely doesn’t have baby hairs around the crown of her head that make it look like she’s wearing a visor.
When she goes to the gym, she wears matching sets - of which she owns many. There’s the hot pink one that makes her feel like Barbie’s best friend, Teresa. The multiple black sets she dons for working out on her period. The camel one that looks perfect against her olive-toned skin.
Of course, that’s what I imagine at least. Scheana is a completely made up person, after all. She is not even a person, really. She’s more of a voice, or a mindset, that tells me I’m not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, talented enough, smart enough, or capable enough.
She is the reason I stay home 89% of the time. She makes me feel less than everyone around me, and like I don’t deserve the same things or experiences as everyone else. She’s the reason I often think I’ll be alone forever, and why I fear confrontation, and why I’m intimidated by direct feedback.
That was until a few years ago when I realized that Scheana was just a reaaaaaaaal close-minded asshole. When I look a little deeper, I realize that she is really just afraid to move beyond her comfort zone. But what can she do? She married her high-school sweetheart and had a couple of kids, and they both work at the high school. They have the perfect life… on Instagram. Behind the scenes, he’s cheating on her with his best friend’s wife, whom she is in love with but will never admit because you know, the whole discomfort thing.
I overthink… a lot.
When The Voice Shows Up
Whenever I’m doing something remotely new, scary, outside of my comfort zone, Scheana is there. It could be dipping my toes into online dating, going to a new workout class, meeting a new colleague, or even going to dinner with friends I haven’t seen in a while.
A very recent example was this past weekend when I decided I wanted to go back to in-person barre classes. I felt so anxious about it! How would I wear my hair when other people were around? (My at-home low ponytails aren’t cute.) What if they corrected my posture and I’m super sweaty? What if I can’t keep up the way I used to even though I’ve been consistently doing this for 2.5 years at home? Scheana started whispering, “You’re going to stick out like a sore thumb.” As soon as I started hearing the voice, I booked the class and drove there and said TO HELL WITH YOU! As expected, it was perfectly fine and I didn’t realize how much I missed it.
Ways To Put The Voice Back In Its Cage
Just do the scary thing.
Whatever that voice is telling you you can’t do, you must do. The voice is thinking WORST CASE SCENARIO and trying to save you from embarrassment and ridicule. You’ve got to prove it wrong by doing the thing and experiencing the realization that it’s not so bad. Or, y’know, be ridiculed and embarrassed… BUT YOU’LL SURVIVE!Fact check yourself.
Your thoughts are not facts. Ask yourself, “Is this true or am I making up a story?”
For example, you get feedback on a presentation you worked hard on. You felt the feedback was a personal attack on your intelligence, eye for design, ideas, etc. You feel stupid, exposed, and like you have no clue what you’re doing - or at least you believe the feedback giver thinks that you don’t. The truth: Feedback is not personal, it is meant to enhance the product/project/message/etc. If you’re taking it personal, ask yourself why? Is it your ego getting in your way? Is there any further evidence to back up your story? Reflect and fact check!Name it!
Naming your fixed mindset, or inner critic, is actually a legitimate tool for helping you control your thoughts. Putting a face, or character, or archetype, to the voice makes it seem silly and helps you realize the truth. And the truth is that YOU ARE CAPABLE OF DOING ANYTHING AND HANDLING EVERYTHING.
Get out there and fight your Scheana!! But careful, she scary.