A ‘Grammable Life
Every now and then, I feel the need to throw my phone into the ocean. Or, AT THE VERY LEAST, sign out of Instagram.
It’s my favorite social media platform and unfortunately, my #1 hobby. Sometimes I’ll kill a whole evening by scrolling through the Explore page, sharing memes with friends, laughing at Reels, and conversing with people who aren’t even in my phone but are definitely my best friends on Instagram. (Love you all!)
The dark side is that sometimes I get the blues (not to be confused with the blue box blues) and Instagram has the opposite effect. Suddenly, I only see all the people hanging out without me. Everyone is on vacation or celebrating a milestone in their life, and every family is loving and funny, and supportive. Instead of appreciating all of the joy, I only see what I lack.
This past weekend, I had a good time. Yet for whatever reason, I saw everyone’s Fourth of July posts and Stories and felt so sad. I felt like I had no friends, no travel plans, no excitement. I went to dinner with my family and picked apart all of our idiosyncrasies and compared us to the larger families I saw celebrating on social media. Even the Kennedy family photo made me jealous! I climbed into bed on Monday at 7:45 pm (!) feeling totally defeated.
I got this scary feeling that life was happening to me, rather than taking an active role in my own life. You know how it gets when you fall into a routine and everything is on autopilot so you’re using your brain less and going about the motions instead of being in the moment. But when I think about how I’d have spent the weekend otherwise, I come up empty. Was my life boring because I didn’t have big things to document?
I got my hair cut, I had wine and fries at a fire pit table, I ordered Thai food with my sister, I watched a new show (Starstruck on HBO Max, it was super cute), I made burgers for friends on the 4th, watched Hamilton and drank a lot of pink champagne, I had dinner with my family and witnessed my dad get into a verbal fight with a garage ticketing system. My weekend was spent the same way others spent theirs, with friends and family and food, but it looked different. It wasn’t documented, but I still have a good life.
I have to remind myself that Instagram is not the barometer for good living. It’s not always realistic or representative of someone’s whole story. Even if it is real, it doesn’t matter at all because my wants/needs for a “good life” are different! Sometimes I choose to stay in on a Saturday and read, but that doesn’t mean I have no friends. It just means that day, I chose to have a low-key evening rather than being forced to stay home because nobody invited me out. The rules for a good life aren’t defined by societal norms and standards, they’re decided by us. We choose the conditions.
I feel full and happy being surrounded by a small crew of close friends and family. It includes having the freedom to go out to dinner, or run to Target, or go out of town for the weekend. It’s feeling settled in a career that I love and having stability. It’s spending quality time with people I enjoy being around and taking little road trips and living in New England. It’s feeling free and comfortable with who I am and having the ability to be that person without fear of judgment.
When I really think about it, there isn’t much missing. Maybe there are fewer ‘grammable moments, but isn’t that the goal? I want to actually live a good life, not make it look like I’m living a good life. My Instagram is full of pictures of my dog, my cat, my home, and dressing up in holiday-themed outfits. That’s what I’m about right now. There have been other lifetimes with vacations, drunken late nights, backstage moments of shows, cute relationship moments, and large friend hangs. But to everything, there is a season.
To get out of this bluesy phase, I’ve been trying to switch up my routine just to provide some variety and activate my brain a little bit more. Last week, I went kayaking with a friend for my morning workout. I went hiking in the middle of the day because it was beautiful and I had no meetings. I’ve been trying to ask myself, “What can I do differently today?” It’s funny how something so simple can make such a big impact.
Sometimes, life just feels so vast and Instagram makes us feel like we’re missing out on everything. We just see people who are happier, funnier, richer, and more successful. When you stop for a second, turn your phone off, and reconnect with yourself, you realize you already have everything you need.
Until you sign back on Instagram and the first thing you see is an ad for a new type of house slipper and THAT IS SOMETHING YOU VERY MUCH NEED.