HOT TAKES
Love my friends, hate the beach.
I enjoy a lot of bad things. I have entire relationships that exist due to a shared love of The Real Housewives franchises. I watch Boy Meets World on Friday nights to wind down from the week, I (still) highly enjoy Chrissy Teigen and I am (still) listening to Hamilton. I also wholeheartedly subscribe to the Salt-n-Pepa mantra, “Opinions are like assholes and everybody’s got one.”
Yet, here I am, sharing my arbitrary opinions on popular things that exist and please the masses. I feel some ways because of a bad experience (like that time I watched an episode of Boardwalk Empire with my dad and had to sit through an excruciating sex scene) and some are based on nothing but personal bias.
So, HOT TAKE, but I think the following things are DUMB.
Bowling. HOW DID THIS BECOME *THE* TEAM-BUILDING ACTIVITY? Why can’t it be bumper cars? Or laser tag? Or good ol’ fashioned getting drunk together? I hate that I have to put on different shoes, that I have to stick my fingers into used ball holes, and that I have to embarrass myself in front of my co-workers. And when people are “really good at bowling” I just wonder what went wrong in their lives.
Also, escape rooms. #1 way to resent your colleagues for being idiots (or fear they resent you for the same reason.)
Sex scenes. Nothing ruins a movie or TV show more. All I can think about is the actors who barely know each other, the film crew standing around, and the fucking boom mic guy. I don’t care how “hot” it seems because I know it’s not real. Let me use my imagination! I don’t need the simulation! (I’m going to put that on a sign and boycott the next production of Bridgerton.)
Movies. They’re just sooooo loooongggggg. In fact, my favorite movie of all time is Mister Magoo’s Christmas Carol which is a 45-minute television special that aired in 1962.
Glennon Doyle. I feel bad for this one. I read her last book after everyone raved about it and just kind of felt like it’s the new wave of #GIRLBOSS energy. I’ve actually read all of her books and listened to many podcasts she has been on, and something about her has always felt a little off and inauthentic to me. To each their own!
Rent (the musical). I will never forget watching this movie with my ex-boyfriend, Beau. He was high, and he kept screaming, “WHAT? WHY DO THEY EXPECT TO NOT HAVE TO PAY RENT?” Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up as a theater kid when it was super popular. I do think “Take Me or Leave Me” is a fantastic song, but otherwise… I just kind of didn’t like it.
Fresh herbs. Sure, they look pretty and add some flavor, but AT WHAT COST? Usually about $2-$3! It never seems worth it to me to spend that kind of money unless I have a guest. I made tacos recently for my sister and me and bought cilantro because she likes it. I cut off a couple of leaves, chiffonaded the shit out of them for her, and guess what? No standing ovation! Leafy greens wilting on top of hot food just don’t do it for me. I do make an exception for scallions on Asian dishes but everything else isn’t worth it. Come for me, FOODIES.
Spiked seltzers. I’ve drunk my fair share of Truly’s and they’re certainly an easy option for the beach, but I’m over them. Also, I hate the beach. Spiked seltzers GIVE ME HEARTBURN. There are more options for canned drinks now, and I’m done with the spiked seltzers.
Live comedy. It all makes me cringe. And YEAH, I know that I perform live comedy! It’s all awkward. We are awkward people!
Soup. It is never appealing to me, not even on the coldest winter’s day. I don’t want my noodles drenched in hot chicken water, my bread or tortillas soggy, or COLD SLUDGE. Ya gotta go, gazpacho. I’ll admit that I do enjoy a delicious grilled cheese dipped into a vat of tomato soup every now and then. I’m not a total monster.
Summer. Bugs (especially TICKS), heat, humidity, crowds, heightened body image struggles, pressure to go outside… IT SUCKS.
Also, VINTAGE hot take, I thought Mad TV was way better than SNL for a long time.