Anxiety, Alcohol and Me

I am struggling with my relationship to alcohol right now. 

It’s not that I need it, or rely on it, or can’t go a day without it. It’s that it has become my go-to way to self-soothe, and lately I’ve needed a lot of self-soothing.  

In the early days of the pandemic, I was at a loss. I was feeling mentally drained, and constantly scared, and it was fun to let loose every single night. Unfortunately, that started to catch up with me. By June, I had gained 10 pounds and was feeling depressed, which isn’t great when you’re isolated in quarantine. 

It’d be unfair for me to blame this struggle on the pandemic. Some of my worst memories, and most depressing moments of my life, go hand-in-hand with alcohol. I have drank to excess out of anxiety or sadness for as long as I have been drinking. One Valentine’s Day, when I was just 20, I got dumped by a guy I wasn’t dating. We worked together, and even though I had the night off, I decided to hang out at the theater and surround myself with my friends. He came down to work with his neck covered in hickeys. (I know, gross.) I illegally drank a bottle, or more, of wine out of my EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH mug. 

I woke up the next day with a red rose in my bed and didn’t remember how I got there. Apparently, a co-worker walked me home and helped me up my stairs. I cried on his shoulder for hours. I still cringe in shame at that memory. Mostly because that co-worker was creepy and I can’t believe I let him into my apartment. 

In case you weren’t aware, alcohol does NOT help anxiety, it only makes it worse. It’s a depressant afterall, and even if it lifts my spirits in the moment, the mental aftermath is not good. Yet, I always forget that after work when I safely and securely sit down on the couch with a glass of wine in my hand. 

I know it doesn’t help, so why do I keep doing it? A part of it is the social aspect, and how prevalent drinking has become in our society. It’s just the “normal” way people gather. Drinking has also become A THING. Even baby onesies have sayings like, “I LOVE MY MOM LIKE SHE LOVES HER WINE.” That makes it seem normal and okay. 

It’s also an escape. I have a healthy lifestyle otherwise. I work really hard, and I’m good at my job. After I’m done with dinner, I find myself sitting on the couch, feeling a little empty. Plans haven’t been a thing in the last year so it was easy, but now everything is returning to normal and THAT is giving me anxiety. I’m so paralyzed with anxiety that I just hole up on my couch and watch television, or read, or write. Adding alcohol makes it an event.

I’m my own armchair therapist, so I’m trying to get to the root of it all. Why don’t I just make plans with people? Why don’t I try to do something new? Why don’t I switch up my routine, or work out at night instead of the morning? Since I know that those hours are particularly troublesome for me, why don’t I reach out for support? Why don’t I go for a walk with the dog? Why don’t I call a friend, or schedule things at night? 

All very good questions! Thanks for asking them! My only reason is anxiety and fear. Making plans and waiting for said plans has me in a panic state all day. Talking on the phone makes me anxious. Switching up my routine throws me off and makes me irritable. I let anxiety win every day because it’s easier. Unfortunately, I am completely comfortable with the organized chaos of my mental disability.

In the book, The Power of Ritual, Casper ter Kuille says, “Though we long for connection and love from others, we also fear it the most. It means taking the risk to be vulnerable and open. We worry that we’ll be constricted by the relationships of care, that our creativity will suffer. We want to belong, and then fear the little sacrifices that this belonging will demand of us as we make space for others around us.” Basically, I’d love to connect, but it also sounds like a lot of work.

Staying inside and drinking while I watch TV is easy and comfortable for me. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone is NOT. Even though I know FOR A FACT that doing something uncomfortable activates positive neurotransmitters in my brain, and my job is TEACHING THAT TO PEOPLE, I safely stay inside my bubble and marinate my organs in pink champagne. 

I know that I am resilient, capable, and strong. I know that I can work hard and get myself to a mentally healthy place. But, right now I’m struggling with anxiety and I’m relying on alcohol to soothe it. The easy answer is, “Stop drinking!” However, I’m thinking the real problem is that emptiness I feel at night and getting to the heart of that will take professional help and time. (Look at the excuses I make for alcohol!) 

So, that’s it. That’s the tweet. I’m not sober, I’m not even sure I want to be, but I’m struggling to find a healthy relationship with an abusive substance that causes me nothing but mental health problems. Which, truthfully, pretty much sums up all of my relationships!

Time to go fill my Employee of the Month mug with more Sauvy B!