Life Maps: Expectations vs. Reality

the expectation…

Early on, for whatever reason, I just KNEW that my life wasn’t going to map out in the “traditional” way that society might have expected. In my childhood, I was never drawn to playing sports or having big groups of friends. I was social, but mostly stuck with my neighbors and few close friends. Instead of sports, I engaged in more solitary activities like reading, writing, creative pursuits and dance, which is technically a group activity but not a team per se. 

By the time I got to high school, I was a fully insecure weirdo and was experiencing extreme depression for the first time. There was no way that I was going to experience my first love, or enjoy those classic high school experiences like parties, homecoming, football games, or prom. I just didn’t feel like I was the same as everyone else and at the time, I hated that. 

my reality

Now that I’m 36 (only took me twenty years!), I realize that not being like everyone else is pure joy to me. I place a high value on being authentic, even if my interests are just as basic as everyone else’s. I can see how that might have hit different in high school, but now I love my little 16-year-old self who had her birthday party at Cheers (a bar modeled after the TV show) followed by a sleepover with all of her friends dipping into her bag of costumes. 

I still have a bag of costumes. 

I turned out pretty okay, and I’ve chosen a life that feels very authentic to me. Every choice I made was because I was following my own path and my own dreams. I went left when others went right for no other reason than it felt right in my gut. I’ve chosen experiences that didn’t always “work out” but attributed to my growth as a person. 

When I was in high school, I tried so hard to blend into the background and the best way I could do that was by doing what everyone else did. I went to a safe college, and studied a vague, safe subject (communications.) After my first year, I realized that I was being an idiot. I was living in my college dorm and barely went out. My roommate was out partying with Celtics players and going to clubs, and I was watching Project Runway in my room. I went home every single weekend. I had a job in the theater department but didn’t engage with any of the people that worked there outside of the two other work study students. 

In the summer of 2005, I realized I had to do something about how boring my life was and my lack of college experience. I decided to take improv classes, and basically had to be forced to walk in because I was so nervous. Obviously it worked out for me and became the best, most rewarding decision I’ve ever made. 

I took classes, then I started working there, and then I started hanging out with more and more people from the theater world. I became so much more confident, and social, and actually did fun stuff on the weekends. I came out of my shell in the best way and it enhanced every part of my life, including my college experience and what I chose to study. I stayed with Communications because I knew it’d be creative but professional enough to land me a real job, but double majored in Art History just because I wanted to. 

I started seeing a guy from work and it didn’t work out but for years I let him treat me like garbage, which was the beginning of a long-time habit of mine! 

I got a real job at a marketing agency and worked 9-5 and made more friends. I turned 21, and hosted it at the bar that I was already a regular at. I started performing in actual casts and doing shows so often that I started to get even better at improv. I created my own indie improv groups and performed more, and started filming sketches, and oh man - what a wonderful time of my life that was. I thought it would last forever! 

I started performing full-time at the theater on the main stage cast, and eventually quit my full-time job after four years. I had tried to dip my toes into copywriting, and doing something more engaging/creative, but nothing suited me as much as comedy. Which is why I decided to make a huge switch and move to Los Angeles in early 2014 to pursue comedy on a MUCH bigger scale! 

However, I barely pursued comedy at all and became really disillusioned with the industry side of things. I still performed with friends and would do random shows all over the city, but either nobody showed up, or we had to force people to show up so we could afford to pay for the space, or everyone in the audience were also performers. I didn’t like the environment and found people to be out for themselves and the hustle-culture of it all just didn’t suit me. 

I ended up focusing more on my full-time job at an advertising agency and again, tried out copywriting and more creative pursuits. However, as it goes, I kept ending up in an HR role and realized that there had to be a reason and I think it’s just that I care about people. Copywriting for a client was NOT fun for me, but helping the people that did the copywriting was awesome! I really liked helping other people feel good at work and helping them grow in their roles. 

I loved my job, but couldn’t stay in L.A. any longer. I had broke up with my first boyfriend that I had moved there with and didn’t feel “connected” to L.A. anymore. So, after three years, I packed up and moved back east. I continued working in an HR role in marketing, and felt completely depressed about failing at life. 

BUT THEN! I started working at Reebok and adidas in a Learning and Development role and my life only got better and better. I found a role that was PERFECT for me, I loved the brands I worked for, I loved the people I worked with. I got to travel, I got into fitness, and I met one of my life-long best friends, Judith. It was the most satisfying four years of my life. 

Then, I had to leave and I was sad about it, but also knew that maybe it was time to grow even more. I ended up interviewing for a ton of places that I didn’t feel good about until I finally interviewed with Criteo in December 2021. It was an immediate fit with everyone I met with, and I felt extremely confident about the offer and direction I was going on. 

In February, I decided to move in with my sister… in an apartment downstairs from our parents. I would rather not live here, but I’m saving a ton of money per month and looking at places to buy and taking a step back so I can plan ahead for my future - which is something I’ve never done before. I’ve always been so impulsive and gone with my gut so now it feels really uncomfortable to plan and save and not be able to make impulse choices like I have in the past.  

So, I haven’t got married (yet). I don’t have - or even want - kids. However, I’ve built an amazing career for myself and feel so excited about all the places it could take me. I feel extremely confident and proud of who I am as a person, which will set me up to be a better partner to someone in the future. I have the freedom to do what I want, and the privilege to live with my family and save for the future. There is SO MUCH LEFT that I can do and after looking back at the crazy map of my life, I’m so excited to see what is next. 

Maybe I’ll write a book? Maybe I’ll open a coaching business? Maybe I’ll become president… of MCDONALDS? Just kidding, I know I’m going to be a weird cult leader. There won’t be any creepy sex stuff, but there’ll definitely be chanting… and Christmas music.