Where Do You Belong?

some tourist took this.

When I was preparing to travel to Paris, I got so excited to buy an outfit to look the Parisienne part. I wasn’t going to go all Emily in Paris and wear crazy outfits and a beret (although, yeah, I brought a beret BUT IT DIDN’T LEAVE THE HOTEL ROOM) but I wanted something that felt french. I ended up buying this dress from Sezane and pairing it with a pair of adidas sneakers. As I walked around Paris, I felt like I hit it right on the nose because everyone was wearing dresses and sneakers. I did it! I fit in! 

Or did I? 

At one point, towards the end of my day, I started to feel very anxious. I didn’t know where I was (and the WiFi was failing on me). I didn’t know where to go, or where to eat (all the places recommended to me were far away or closed on Sundays). I felt like a tourist, and I hated it. But I was a tourist! What’s so wrong with that? I feel like I’m in a constant state of needing to belong, or fit, or take up a little bit less space. I don’t want to stick out, or be different, I just want to blend in. 

This is confusing to me. If you know me in person, you likely know that my personality is not a blend-in-with-the-crowd personality. I’m not the loudest person in the room, but I have a presence. I turn everything into a joke, and I love to make people laugh or bring joy or annoyance. So I’m not sure why I spend so much mental energy on blending in and belonging when in actuality it is the last thing I want to do. One of my biggest values is individualization, for fuck’s sake.

Part of this is just my stupid brain. Neuroscience research has shown that human beings crave belonging the same way they crave food, water, and shelter. It’s a basic human need. When we feel left out, we feel triggered and start to convince ourselves that we’re alone in the world and nobody likes us. This bothers me because I know better. I know it’s not true! I know that I’m being triggered by something and that the story I’m creating is false. So why do I waste the time and energy giving into my own FAKE NEWS?

In Paris, I felt so silly. I was walking by the Louvre taking pictures and I thought to myself, “Do this quickly so nobody notices.” Oh, I’m sorry, you don’t want to look like a tourist outside of THE most tourist-y spot in Paris? I kept walking fast and weaving in and out of crowds as if I was just a person traveling home from a brunch with friends. I followed what everyone else did like walking quickly and crossing the street without waiting for walk lights. Yet this prevented me from enjoying the moment. I was focusing so hard on not looking like a fool that I nearly missed the whole day and all of my gorgeous surroundings.

In Croatia, on the last day of the summit, I felt triggered again. I was heading to a meeting on my own in a big conference room. When I got there, my whole team was sitting together in the middle and there were no seats around them for me. I immediately felt left out and sad that they didn’t save a seat for me. I was scared that I was going to look like a loser and people would see me sitting alone and think “Ha ha, she has no friends!” My team didn’t do anything wrong, and it wasn’t purposeful or personal, but for a small moment, I felt completely ostracized. Yet, again, I knew it wasn’t the truth.

I pride myself on being a self-aware person, for the most part, and can quickly adjust myself and realize that I’m making up stories in my head. I don’t let these things ruin my days completely. It just bothers me that I let my ego, or insecurities from my past, control so many aspects of my life. Even when I’m feeling good about myself in my nice French dress, my ego finds something to pick apart. It finds some way to remind me that I AM NOT COOL AND I DO NOT BELONG.

I would like to kindly tell my ego/anxiety/past-life insecurities/brain/etc. to STOP IT.  It’s silly, and childish, and there’s no point giving it any power at all. I do not want to live my life in fear of sticking out, looking stupid, or lonely or friend-less or lost. Other people’s perception doesn’t matter, and it is not my business. It’s perfectly OK to let my guard down once in a while, to not speak the language, to enjoy a nice dinner and glass of wine alone (I looove doing this actually) and to not show up perfectly for everything all the time. If I didn’t put myself in these often uncomfortable and vulnerable positions then I wouldn’t grow as a person at all, and that’d be way worse. 

So, ultimately, where do I belong? Anywhere and everywhere I want! And so do you! Well, honestly, except Paris. My ego was right about that. French women are definitely way cooler than all of us.