Motherhood is not my Hood

Not to brag, but I played with a lot of dolls as a kid. Like any other child with dolls, I’d often play the role of their mother. Yet, sometimes I’d gravitate to the role of their older sister… or the role of them. I’d play barbies and live vicariously through them, rather than play Mom Barbie and Daughter Barbie. Did my Barbies get married and have families? Of course. But Barbie and Ken also had a lot of sex with their weird, patterned private parts. 

I have never truly felt a calling to have a child. I’m not vehemently opposed to it, if I met the right person and they wanted kids I guess I’d consider it. But, I’ve never felt such a strong urge to bear children that I sought it out for myself or prioritized my life around it. I mean, have I thought of trapping someone with a baby out of spite? Naturally! But that’s a woman’s right!

In college, one of my best friends talked about becoming a mother all the time. Even when she was single and (proudly) sleeping with as many people as she wanted, she would talk about her future children and life in the woods and her hips that were made for bearing children. I’m happy to say that she is living that life right now! She is even on her children’s school board. 

I always thought that maybe something was wrong with me. I mean, I feel fear when I see children. When my best friend had her daughter and I went to visit, I was terrified to hold her because she was so tiny and I was afraid of what could happen. As if I was Lenny from Of Mice and Men. I eventually did and there was a pillow for propping her up and it was all fine but I won’t pretend it wasn’t the most uncomfortable few minutes of my life. 

I grew up around a lot of younger kids, and they always intimidated me. They were so small and cranky and required so much effort to keep alive and functioning and not crying. I remember my neighbor crying because her father was putting a pin on her jacket, and her father yelled in frustration, “It’s just a fucking pin, Angela!!!” and I related to him so hard at that moment. I was maybe seven or eight years old. 

When my friends tell me that they’re pregnant, my first thought is, “What are you going to do?” That’s not a normal thought in your thirties, right? Of course, my married friend is going to keep the baby she made with her husband. Why wouldn’t she? My gut feeling says, “This is the end of your life.” (Reminder: You are not your first thought.)

It isn’t, of course! It’s the beginning of the life that they chose for themselves. Everyone has different dreams. Some women dream of becoming mothers, and wives, and seeing a part of themselves running around in the world. I, on the other hand, dream of mid-day naps and going on vacation whenever I need a break from my dog. 

I think part of me feels that I spent so much of my life feeling insecure and seeking others’ approval. I was lost for so long and spent so many years worrying about fitting into society’s standards and trying to follow traditional paths that just didn’t suit me. Now, at nearly 35, I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and really like who I am. I finally feel like I can live my life for myself and to add a child into the mix and forfeit these years just isn’t something I’m aching to do. My life feels so full right now, as it is. 

In fact, the only reason I sometimes feel sad is that I’ll never get to name a child. That doesn’t seem like reason enough to have one when there are so many dogs and cats in the world that need names! And homes. But mostly names! 

I’m hesitant to post something like this because people will undoubtedly find this selfish. I understand that. I just don’t believe I was born for the sole purpose of reproducing. I don’t think “Mom” was the role I was born to play. I don’t know if I’m fertile, or capable of having kids, so who knows what I’m leaving on the table? I’m grateful to be living during a time when women can decide what they want to do and who they want to be. I don’t think that’s selfish at all. Men have been able to decide that forever! I think it’d be more selfish of me to have a kid because of societal pressure and resent them.

And look, I don’t know what the future holds. You never know what can happen. Archangel Gabriel could appear to me at any moment and be like, “You’re up next!” Yet right now, I feel grateful that I feel as complete and content as I am. I am grateful for my mom, even though I like to remind her often that I DIDN’T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS. I’m also grateful for my aunts, my sister, my female friends, and all the women in my life who are maternal figures whether they chose to be moms, want to be moms, or aren’t moms for whatever reason. 

May we all continue to live in a world where women can be whatever they want to be without judgment, pressure, or force. For now, I choose to be a Stay-at-Home Pet Mom who works hard for the money… so she can afford luxury honey. Have you tried hot honey, though? It’s magic.