My Cute Quirks (Are a Mental Illness Checklist)
One cute quirk: I have a lot of pictures like these in my phone where there’s a drink on my face and my eyes are closed
Remember in Good Will Hunting when Robin Williams gave that great monologue about the idiosyncrasies of his deceased wife?
“My wife used to fart when she was nervous. She had all sorts of wonderful little idiosyncrasies. She used to fart in her sleep. I thought I’d share that with you. One night it was so loud it woke the dog up. She woke up and went, “ah was that you?” And I didn’t have the heart to tell her. But Will, she’s been dead for 2 years, and that’s the stuff I remember: wonderful stuff you know? Little things like that. Those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I know about: that’s what made her my wife. Oh, she had the goods on me too, she knew all my little peccadilloes. People call these things imperfections, but they're not. Ah, that’s the good stuff.”
I realized recently that all of my “wonderful little idiosyncrasies” are a complete laundry list of depression, anxiety, and ADHD.
Cannot finish sentences and forget what I’m talking about. Good luck getting me to finish a story because I’ll forget about it halfway through. Or, I’ll forget the name of the person I’m discussing or the right word (like pants). My long-term memory is amazing (ask any of my friends, I’m their personal memory librarian) but my lack of focus and attention makes my short-term memory total shit.
People pleaser. I once took a VERY professional, high-level personality test through work and when the coach walked me through my results, she told me that if I wasn’t high in empathy she’d think I was a sociopath. Because I was such a people pleaser, it showed that my lying ability was high but mostly to make others more comfortable.
Cool cool cool.
Addicted to excitement. I hate making plans, but if you pulled up outside my house and said, “Get in, bitch, we’re going to Montreal”, I would be THRILLED. I am prone to some pretty self-destructive behavior because I am addicted to the rush of it all. And no, I don’t mean drugs or alcohol or sex. Well, not always.
Hyper-focused on certain topics that I give up later. If you were anywhere near me in 2009, you likely heard all about my love for Michael Jackson. In 2011, it was the Muppets. In early 2021, it was Jane Austen. Not to mention true crime, soul music, Motown, etc. I go through periods of full-on OBSESSION and do some seriously deep dives and then give it up and totally forget about it.
Avoiding any and all things that bring up past trauma. I won’t drive down streets or even go to restaurants/bars, which brings up bad memories. In fact, there are whole neighborhoods I avoid due to bad memories. I get very anxious reliving those moments and end up in a downward anxiety spiral. I avoid those triggers at all costs! So, I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to meet you at that random dive bar in Canton, Mass.
Persistent worrying over very minor things. What are you worried about? Your kids? Your parents? Sounds normal. I’m so worried about being late that I’m 45 minutes early. I’m worried that I will look stupid if I don’t know which props I need for an exercise class. I’m worried that strangers will get mad at me if I don’t say hi to them on the street. A lot of times, the worry is so paralyzing that I won’t go places.
Inappropriate guilt. Similar to worrying is the guilt I feel over everything. I feel guilty when I hear my neighbor’s arguing! I feel guilty when I can’t say “Yes” to something. I feel guilty when I show my feelings on my face and it might negatively affect someone. I feel guilty when I forget to get in the correct lane and have to force my way in. I feel guilty when I use too much gas or drink too much, or don’t feel like taking my dog to the dog park. I feel guilty when I eat a full serving of peanut butter or make FAKE ICE CREAM OUT OF BANANAS.
I guess a shorter list would be, “When I don’t feel guilty:” because the answer would be, “Never.”
Angry outbursts around the people I love most. The day before I moved to Los Angeles, I was at my parents’ house when my aunt called. My mother said, “Do you want to talk to your aunt?” and I was so sad about moving and feeling so much confusion about everything that I FLIPPED OUT. I had a full-on breakdown because I couldn’t handle talking to my aunt on the phone. I was yelling and crying and slamming doors. The appropriate response, I’d say.
Fixated on past failures. Do you know when you think of a perfect comeback five minutes after it’s too late? It’s like that, except every single night right before you go to bed when you revisit all the ways you fucked up your life. Or, in the middle of the day, you’ll burst out crying because of how you mishandled a conversation in January 2016.
Frequent fixation on sudden death. By this, I mean that I am afraid of things like air conditioners falling out of windows and onto my head, or I’ll visualize drifting into another car and crashing. I went for a hike the other day and got to an overlook, and suddenly got TERRIFIED about being pushed off even though nobody was with me. It’s super fun!!!!
WHAT ARE YOUR CUTE QUIRKS?