Praise Others More, Abuse Yourself Less.
If you find an “O” somewhere between Everett and Malden, MA let me know.
“Your hair looks amazing today!” said the message I received via private message from a colleague during a global Teams call.
I smiled, but quickly shut down the nice compliment with, “Thank you! It’s dirty!”
The day I got my first vaccine shot, I put on a dress and sent a picture to my friend. “You look cute!” she said. “Thanks, my legs are pale.”
What is wrong with me?
Research shows that the ideal praise-to-criticism ratio is 6 TO 1. That means it takes about SIX pieces of praise to outweigh the effects of ONE critical comment over the course of time. Yet look how I respond to praise! Why would anyone want to continue giving it to me??
Whenever I hear something positive about myself, particularly my looks, I immediately shut it down. Once, a stranger in Chicago told me that I looked like Emma Stone and my initial gut reaction was that he was making fun of me. I responded, “It’s because we both have a deep voice.” (He hadn’t heard me speak.) (But to be fair, we do have similar deep voices.) I have told myself so many mean things that I don’t think there’s enough praise in the world that could offset the damage.
The only comments that make me feel good are comments about my behaviors, performance, or character. If someone tells me I made them laugh, or that they felt comfortable talking to me, or that they trust me, then I respond way better. I am fine to accept compliments about behaviors I value.
Yet how often do you give, or receive, compliments like that? I am more awkward than most, but I never tell the people I love why I love them. I rarely provide positive feedback or compliments that go beyond the surface. It’s a shame because I know that neuroscience proves THAT is what improves well-being.
The compliments I find myself giving most often are about physical appearance, accessories, or home decor (in the background of a meeting), or a laugh reaction to an Instagram story. That’s not a bad thing per se, It’s a light and fun way to connect. I personally don’t mind receiving any of those types of compliments (even though I get so weird about them). However, they only go so far. I wouldn’t say that they strengthen connection or one’s sense of self.
When I’m romantically involved with someone, I appreciate it when they comment on my looks. It’s nice to know that they don’t consider me a Shrek! Yet, words of affirmation are my love language and the deeper the comments are, the more they matter to me. Anybody can say, “Hey girl, nice ass” but it takes someone who REALLY GETS ME to say, “Hey nutcase, nice brain.”
It seems we only give feedback or tell people how we feel when it’s critical rather than positive. If we just spoke openly with each other all the time, it might help balance out the stigma connected to feedback or compliments. If we saw a great presentation at work, why not tell the presenter how impactful it was? If we see someone doing something really brave, why not tell them that it was admirable? If we see someone persevere when times are tough, why not tell them how inspired we are by their strength or attitude?
I believe that everyone is going through something. There is noise in everyone’s life, and everyone is dealing with negative self-talk. When we hear feedback that supports our own bias about ourselves, we believe it to be fact. It can even be assumed feedback! Like, for instance, “I thought I was annoying, and I just lost 3 followers so now I know that I am annoying!”
We can only counter that by GIVING PRAISE MORE OFTEN! The more we hear that we’re not the Shreks we think we are, the more we’ll start to see that deep down, we’re all Donkey. We don’t have to make it weird, and it doesn’t have to be formal. However, it should be specific and meaningful. Instead of saying, “Great job!” you could try, “You won that argument because you kept your cool and expressed your point clearly without making me feel bad. Now I am going to go and I will not be speaking to you for the next year because I am a sore loser and I hate you.”
The point is just to fight our own instincts, and our own perceptions, to compliment others and let them know how fucking great they are. So, let’s find ways to spread thoughtful compliments around and praise the people in our lives for the value that they bring to us and the world. Even if all you have is a compliment on someone’s ass. Hey, the world needs great asses, too.