Ruthie.

I can tell you for certain that at the beginning of this week, I didn’t expect I’d be writing this. Even though I’d been to the emergency vet twice, and even though my cat was basically disintegrating and it’d been on my mind for weeks, I had no clue this was going to be the outcome. 

Writing about her is cathartic, and helping me get through this awful time. I know she’s “just a cat” and that bringing an animal into your home is setting yourself up for eventual pain. However, Ruthie was my sidekick and my confidant. At times I really believe I wouldn’t have made it through some of the recent years without her by my side. 

Ruthie Margaret Barrett was born in Hollywood, CA. Her name was STARLET, and that she was. At six months, she moved in with a nice couple on the border of West Hollywood next to a Rock and Roll Ralph’s. In 2017, she made the move to New England and became an east coast cat where she spent the rest of her days avoiding the cold, finding spots of sun, and beating the dog to her mother’s lap every morning. Ruthie loved water, milk, heating pads, sniffing my forehead, head scratches, and fleece jackets. She was sweet and kind and tiny and beloved by everyone who met her. 

In the last few weeks of her life, Ruthie rapidly lost weight, and fur and various vet visits, bloodwork, x-rays, and supplements weren’t solving the issue. I took her to see a GI specialist and neurologist hoping to get some answers and while at the vet, she had an episode that she couldn’t recover from. I got to hold her in my arms one more time, scratch her little bald head and say goodbye. 

I’m struggling to share this because I feel so guilty. I feel like I should have caught the decline in her weight earlier. I brought her to the vet in April 2021 and they noted her weight and dehydration, but just encouraged me to give her more water (which she loves) and wet food (which she hates). They weren’t too concerned, so I wasn’t either. It wasn’t until August when it really got out of hand and we were in and out of the vet for tests and everything was coming up empty. I thought, “Great! Normal bloodwork is good! Maybe it’s just a GI issue and we can get her on medicine and special food.” But it was too late. She had lost all her reserves. The GI specialist said the “normal” bloodwork all pointed to a much more serious issue, likely in her brain. She was too weak at this point to go under anesthesia and likely wouldn’t recover. Then she had an episode and collapsed and I had to make the decision to keep trying to save her - she’d be in the ICU for days, be given prednisone to tame inflammation from the supposed tumor, but we’d never be able to find the source. Or I could let her go now, peacefully, without much suffering. 

I was willing to throw money at it and save her, after all, what if it WASN’T a brain tumor? But ultimately, the vet said no Gi issue would make her lose weight SO fast. What we were fighting against was something really bad and that even in good health, we probably wouldn’t be able to fix it. 

I hate that she spent her last hours in a vet’s office and not on my lap. I feel like I abandoned her and I’ll likely never get over it. However, I’m glad she spent her last few healthy days with me, curling on my lap in the mornings and cuddling in the crook of my arm overnight while we slept. I’m glad I’ve been able to work from home for the past 18 months to be with her every day, feeling her brush against my legs in the afternoon to say hello.

I only had Ruthie for 7.5 years, but they were 7.5 BIG years. She helped me survive a really lonely time in LA and a move back home that catapulted me into a major depression. She was with me every step of the way. The one constant, reliable thing that didn’t ask too much from me and in return provided love and comfort and endless joy. I can only hope she loved her little life with me and enjoyed the last 7.5 years as much as I have. 

Losing a pet is not easy. In fact, I know I’m lucky to say that this is the worst pain I’ve ever gone through. But my time with her was so worth it. If she only had 8 years on this earth, I’m glad she was able to spend them with me. 

I love you and I’m so thankful for you, Ruthie.