How I Took Care of My Mental Health While Grieving

Last week was obviously a very rough week for me. (If you’re out of the loop, you can see why here.) Thankfully, the night it happened, my sister came over and removed everything from the house. She took Ruthie’s food, litter box, carrier, and her many cat beds. That was a huge help because the idea of slowly removing her presence was heartbreaking. 

I stayed up all night and started to worry about what would happen to me. My mental health is a lot stronger these days, but it’s still fragile. It can still be triggered by anything, and I was afraid of falling into a deep depression. Especially since I thought it was all my fault. I got out of bed on Wednesday and just decided to feel the pain while also offsetting the damage. 

Yesterday was World Mental Health Day, and this is World Mental Health Week. I couldn’t have made it through the last week without the tools I have acquired throughout 30+ YEARS of struggling with my mental health. That’s an entire lifetime! I actively work on it, and I was so thankful for that this past week. I’m still very sad, but I’m okay. Here’s what I did, and maybe it could help you with something you’re going through. 

1. I leaned into the pain. I gave myself some time to process what happened, what went wrong, what I could have done better, and just felt bad. So much was out of my control and I understand that now. I just had to give myself some time to feel fucking bad about the whole thing. I felt guilt, shame, sadness, anger, and all the stages of grief.

2. I spent time in nature. On Wednesday I went for two hikes. Then I continued to go on one every single day after that. I needed to be out of my house, surrounded by nature and with my dog. Science says that nature is healing and it totally is. I feel so small and insignificant in nature. In a good way!

3. I asked for help/company. I thrive on being alone, but this time I knew that I couldn’t. I knew I could easily spend my nights drinking while feeling sad, angry, and empty without Ruthie there. So I asked my sister to come over for dinner on Wednesday, and friends on Thursday and Friday. My sister and I went for a hike on Saturday in a former 19th century commune! And Kathy and I went to the flea market on Sunday. The healthy balance of being alone and with others was so helpful. Human connection is so good at releasing all the positive chemicals and hormones in our brain. The oxytocin and dopamine helped me feel so much less overwhelmed.

4. I actually said what I was feeling out loud and cried without fear of judgement. When people asked how I was, I told them the truth. I said it felt like I had a giant piece missing from my heart. I felt like I was responsible. I felt like I had ignored Ruthie after I got Billie because Billie is just so much more work. I felt like I could have done more, or I should have pushed harder, or worked faster. I felt that I had abandoned her on her final day by leaving her at the vet waiting to be seen. I felt awful, heartbroken and hurt. It helped to say it out loud and not let it fester inside.
   
   I also let them convince me that it wasn’t my fault and there was nothing I could do. I let people comfort me instead of pushing them away to avoid being pitied.

5. I remembered the good times. In the early mornings, when I couldn’t fall back asleep, I’d go through my phone and watch videos and look at pictures. It was oddly comforting. I wrote out the things I was grateful for. I had ACTUAL PHOTOS PRINTED. I created a little photo book, and hung a picture of her in a frame. Instead of feeling the loss of her presence, I created more space for her. This will always be her house!!

6. I was gentle. I didn’t push myself to do more extensive workouts, or to keep my routine. I did the work I had to do, and took the breaks I needed. I tried not to be hard on myself for eating bad food, or drinking too much. (Although if I were being a true mental health superhero, I would have focused on the connection between garbage food/alcohol and my mood.) I watched happy shows like 30 Rock and Ted Lasso. I acknowledged that I was grieving after a traumatic experience and it would all be okay eventually, but it wasn’t right now so it was okay to just take it easy. 

If you leave here with just one tip, make it THAT ONE. Be gentle with yourself. We need to be kinder to ourselves, and others. We need to take it easy. Life is too short to rush through, or judge ourselves through, or play victim to our circumstances. We all deserve ease, grace, and fucking happiness. OKAY?!!!??!?!