All The Ways I Can’t Adult

An “adult” woman’s fridge.

I think it’s funny that I’m now in my mid-thirties because I couldn’t feel any less like an adult.

It has been one of those weeks where life is moving at a very fast pace and I feel as though I am in slow motion. One of my best friends gave birth to her third child (!!!) and I’m over here unable to open a package of Trader Joe’s chicken sausages without stabbing through the entire package.

I’m over here crying because the National Grid lady gave me an attitude on the phone when I told her that I didn’t know where to find the meter on the house I live in.

I’m over here using Google Maps to get to the hospital that is literally five minutes away and A) has signs pointing the entire way and B) IS A LARGE HOSPITAL ON A MAIN STREET CALLED MAIN STREET THAT IS HARD TO MISS.

Here is a list of other adulthood things that I can’t do:

Keeping a tidy home on weekdays. I am supposed to work a whole day and then FOLD LAUNDRY and CLEAN COUNTERS and RUN A DISHWASHER? No way, Jose. I’ll wait until Saturday. Actually, let’s make it Sunday.

Automatic bill paying.  I’m not at a stage of life where I can turn all my payments on autopay and feel confident that they’re all going to go through. 

Going to the doctor for preventative care. For years and years, I had unexplainable back pain. It was mostly unexplainable because when I typed the symptoms into Google, they didn’t churn out consistent or easily identifiable results. A doctor immediately discovered the source (gallstones) once it was an emergency. Maybe if I had brought it up to a doctor earlier I could have saved myself the pain and cost of the emergency room? The more you know! 

Curtains. If there’s no pre-existing curtain rod, I just won’t be hangin’ ‘em. 

Researching major decisions. I leased my vehicle because the guy at the dealership told me that it’d help my credit go up. It did, but I’m now on my second leased vehicle.

I also buy brands mostly because of word of mouth, or unnecessary loyalty. 

Drinking water. I got the fancy, cool 40oz water bottle that keeps it cold all day. The hard part is LIFTING IT TO MY MOUTH. 

Car stuff. Inspections, oil changes, and car washes. OH FUCKING MY. 

Actually, my father still takes my car to get inspected because he’s “got a guy” who may or may not work out of a dark alley and I feel like I’m in more danger if I stop giving the guy business. I’ll continue to let that happen.

Understanding benefit policies. This is the worst because I’m in HR. I’ve spoken to many people about their benefit options, but thankfully I wasn’t really allowed to provide advice because I either don’t understand… or do the wrong thing. “I claim 0 instead of 1 because I get more in my paycheck” is something I have said. 

Checking the weather. I guess I just don’t understand how the sun can be shining so brightly and yet it’s still 25 degrees. 

Crudite. Sorry, but I would rather fucking die than eat a raw radish dipped in hummus. Take me to the cheese plate.

Passwords. Let’s just say they haven’t been changed since I was a pre-teen.

Fridge stuff. I do not throw out expired food on time, and I will never remember if I already have an ingredient I need. I swear I have three full bottles of ketchup… and I don’t even like ketchup! 

Answering the phone without fear. I will always think someone is dead, or someone is trying to extort me.

Going to the dry cleaners. Why do such fussy clothes exist?! Even worse, I have a BLANKET that is dry clean only.

Returning things. I came, I bought, I decided against it, I meant to return it, 30 days lapsed… and it is now mine. 

Or, even better, it’s now getting added to a donation bag in the trunk of my car.

… that I will never donate.