Mental Weight Lifting
Last week was a tough and stressful week. I had no control, I couldn’t fix or solve anything, and a lot was up in the air. Otherwise known as A NIGHTMARE for someone with anxiety. I tried to busy myself with work, exercise and CLEANING EVERY INCH OF MY HOME but alas… nothing worked. Not even wine!!! (Especially not wine.)
Stuck with nothing to do and nowhere to go, I turned to God. Just kidding. I decided to meditate.
I downloaded a free trial of the Calm app and picked a 10-minute session with the least annoying voice.
The topic was Strength Training and I should have known the cheesy advice I'd be given. The man explained, in his soothing, California-cool voice, “Growth comes when we work at our edge. We want to give up but if we can stay a little bit with the discomfort, that’s where we’re really building muscle, increasing endurance, and generally expanding capacity.”
I rolled my eyes, even though I know that it’s true. I have lifted a weight or two in my life, and I know that the more I push myself, the stronger my muscles get. I also know that often there are obstacles in my way from working out. There are days when I just don’t have the motivation, or the drive, or the will to get there. There are days when there are physical obstacles in my way, and other times there are mental obstacles in my way.
Knowing that you are the root cause of your physical and mental strength, or lack thereof, is overwhelming. What if I’m exhausted and don’t want to find out what my edge is? Why can’t life just be EASY sometimes? Why can’t THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE just get on the same page as ME?!
I’m sick and tired of still having to grow up and learn life lessons. I just want a break.
But, ugh. Then I think about what a life like that would entail. It would mean staying home and removing myself from society. It would mean not getting a dog due to the fear of going through the loss of another pet. (Honest reason why I didn’t get a dog for years.) It would mean not applying myself at work or going after new opportunities. It would mean not falling in love to avoid rejection or heartbreak, or not hanging out with friends to avoid inevitable conflict, and not investing in myself to avoid disappointment.
And fine, yes, that would be very boring.
The biggest moments of growth in my life have been when I was the least comfortable. Going to college, taking improv classes, moving to Los Angeles, traveling abroad, moments of conflict, getting into barre/yoga, and even dance classes when I was young. I learned the most from pushing myself out of my comfort zone and trying something new. At the time, it wasn’t fun. It was full of anxiety and fear and white wine. (Well, maybe not the youth dance classes.) Yet, looking back, those are the pivotal moments of my life.
I always learn something about myself whenever I go through something and my brain becomes even more resilient because that’s what brains do. The more we expose ourselves to adversity, the easier it gets. Our fight/flight response weakens and our logical brain is like, “You got this, gurl!”
And while I may want the adversity to LAY OFF ME, I know that’s not possible. I can’t control the universe, I can only control myself. Throwing a tantrum and digging in my feet isn’t going to fix anything and it just holds me still in time. Avoiding life because I’m afraid of life is a waste of a perfectly good… life.
HOWEVER, it doesn’t mean I can’t take a rest every now and then. It’s perfectly okay to give yourself a day off from reality. That’s why we have weekends, vacations, and VICES. Glorious vices.
So while I’m not yet the Dalai Lama, I am happy to report that I felt better by the end of the meditation. I started out extremely anxious, then angry, and then I gave in. In order to experience all the joy and goodness that life has to offer, we have to be vulnerable. Vulnerable to loss, rejection, uncertainty, disappointment, and difficult situations. While that sounds horrible, I know for sure that we can make it through because of SCIENCE! The neurological pathways of our brains are expanding every day to accommodate ALL THE SHIT we have yet to go through.
Yay?
So I’m going to keep putting it all in the hands of the universe and continue loving hard and experiencing pain, trying new and scary things, and confronting adversity with bravery. And on the days I can’t be brave, I will run from adversity with Sauvignon Blanc, Lay’s barbecue chips, and nostalgic episodes of Boy Meets World.