What To Do When Life Doesn’t Make Sense
Last week, a family friend I’ve literally known since his birth passed away. He was nine months younger than me and had just turned 34. It was obviously very sudden.
Since it happened, I have been devastated and numb. As I get older and experience more and more loss, grief gets a little easier to handle. It’s not that loss is easy, but I know what I’m capable of getting through. This one, however, hit me like a ton of bricks. How can someone so young pass away from a heart attack with no notice? It just doesn’t make sense.
That’s what has had me spiraling. LIFE DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE. We try so hard to do the right things, make healthy decisions, plan for the future, and work towards our goals but what for? It can all get taken away in an instant.
I think about what I spent last weekend doing. I mostly lounged around, wallowing in self-pity and being hard on myself. Then I woke up on Monday and went to work and got to live my stupid life (probably in a bad mood) without even realizing how lucky I was to live it. Meanwhile, Joey woke up on Monday and didn’t get the luxury of making it to work that day. It’s just so upsetting.
I know we can’t live our whole lives thinking about our eventual deaths, but the truth of the matter is that death is literally the ONLY guarantee in life. I know that I likely won’t move on from this living every day like it’s my last, but SHOULDN’T I?
I keep living my life as though the future is promised to me. I worry about my 401(k) like I’m definitely going to retire and access it. I worry about what I eat and how I look as if that’s going to change my life situation in any way. I ask for certain projects at work to set myself up for success in the future. All of the decisions I make on a daily basis are for tomorrow, and I’m tired of making sacrifices right now for a future that potentially doesn’t exist.
It’s times like these that I miss my faith. I grew up attending Catholic church and believing in God, and constantly being surrounded by Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. (Sometimes I wonder if Jesus is cool with all that imagery of his most painful day.) I had a framework to follow, and values instilled in me. Over time, I lost faith because I didn’t agree with many positions that the Catholic Church took, and the church was entrenched in scandal right around the corner from me, and I realized that ultimately the Bible was written by humans and there’s a lot of room for error there.
Yet I find myself grasping for something to believe in during times like this. I want to trust that there is some semblance of reason behind all of this nonsense. I am desperate for clarity.
The unfortunate truth is that life just doesn’t make sense, and that’s the only clarity I’m going to get. All I can do is accept that. I can’t fathom how my neighbors are going to cope with this loss in the long-run, but I can keep them in my thoughts and support them at this moment. Loving thy neighbor is one Catholic value I can get behind. (Oh no, I actually did quote the Bible.)
If right now feels tough and painful, all I can do is try to accept that and do what I need to do for myself at this moment. That might be with an iced coffee and a cake pop (literally what my sister and I did after the wake) or it might be staying home, covered in animals and blankets, and laughing at an episode of Mr. Mayor. That’s my new religion.
I’m slowly learning that when life doesn’t make sense, you shouldn’t bother trying to understand it. It’s a waste of time. Accept the uncertainty, know that it’s the only truth, and support yourself through it. Don’t worry about any other moment except the one you’re in right now. Don’t try to solve life’s problems, don’t try to alter the past or yearn for the future.
One of my favorite Eckhart Tolle quotes is, “Don't look for peace. Don't look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there; will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender.”
Life doesn’t make any sense whatsoever and it is not fucking fair. That’s the truth to which I surrender. I’m not at peace with it yet, but I’m going to take my dog out, pour a huge glass of wine, and eat some pizza because that is what I require right now. Maybe someday in the future, I’ll switch to a cauliflower crust. But that day is definitely not today. Nor is it a future I am planning for!!!!